Dreams

Carlos:  I got up early this morning and started thinking about the times that you got up really early and would tell us about how beautiful the sun looked when it was rising.  I wish you could be here with me so we both can look at it since I started doing it now.  I miss those breakfast in the morning that you prepared for me.  I am tired of fast food since I don't have the energy to cook.  Carlos, I never thought life would be so hard without you but I can tell you it is most painful, hard thing that I have ever had to do.  I often wonder if you miss me as much as I do.  I talk to my sister Anna yesterday and she was a bit rough with me telling me that I have to accept that you are not here anymore and that when I go to the gravesite to see you , I must realize that you are not there.  I know she means well but how do I make the understand that it is not easy to deal with this pain.  I miss you and need to know that you are here with me.  Carlos, I remember us talking about how we would grow old and take care of our grandkids spoiling them, taking the to the park and spending time with them.  I know that we don't have any grandkids but someday we will.  I will start a journal for both Said and Rosela telling them about how much you loved them and they joy you felt  as they were growing up. The fun we shared with them.  I don't want to forget those memories.  I will also write one for my future grandkids because I want them to know how much you loved then even if you never got to know them.  I am also starting to put our pictures on CD.  I am still working but I don't have the same enery and enthusiasm like when you were here.  Yesterday at the gravesite when I knelt to pray I had a vision of seeing you with you aunt and dad having breakfast and how you were happy preparing it for them.  I know that you are happy to finally be with them.  I talk to Said everyday and he is doing okey.  Rosela has been such a good help to me and thank you for giving such wonderful kids.   We are leaning on each other for support but feeling the pain of not having you here is so hard.   Will you ever come to visit me in my dreams.  I will be spending Valentine with you and will bring you roses and will have lunch with you at your gravesite.   Will you please be there with me?  I was talking to Rosela  yesterday and I said if I had that magic wand I would go back to the day before you suffer the cardiac arrest and tell you how much I love you and hope that day never ends.  I would hold on to you and never let go.  I feel so guilty of not spending time with you always busy working trying to make sure that we had enough to survive and now what is it without you.  I would trade everything to have you back here with me.  I remember when we got to this country with only $6000.00 and we decided that we would make it work.  You started working at this attorney's office doing filing for $5.00 an hour and I worked taking care of handicap kids.  We worked hard and always tried to better ourselves.  You finally went to work in the telecommuication field that was always your speciality back home.  I went to work in an office and we started to achieve some of our dreams.  We manage to buy our first house then brought another one and then sold one of them to buy the house that you always wanted.  I remember your excitement when you come home and tell us what the builders had done and how it was moving along.   I recall when we went to do the final walk through and request some upgrades.  I know you got to enjoy it for 3 years before you had to leave this earth.  It is still your house and you are always welcome to come over.  Let God know that you still have a home and a family here and you want to visit them so often.  Carlos, we did come a long way and we achieve our dreams but the best one will never come true of "Both of us growing old together"  and this is the one that I wanted the most.  Yes this is the one that I dreamt of and now I am here all alone to grow old.  I just hope that I don't turn bitter and that you always come to visit me and let me know that you will always be with me.  I love you.