Pain

I am trying to make the best of what is left of my life.  I miss him so much that I cannot help but wonder how long will it be before I see him again.  I ask him to please come in my dreams and tell me how he is doing.  I did some research on understandind death and it may have helped a little.  I am ready a book name Many Lifes Many masters which talks about reincarnation.  I know that as a Catholic I should not believe in it but at this time I am just a confused soul trying to hold on to anything that can give me comfort.  I miss my husband so much that life seems so confusing and lonely.  Yesterday, I received the death certificate and I could not believe that he is truly dead.  There are times that I think that he is on a trip and will soon come home but then I realize that he is dead and that is when I feel desperate lonely and depressed.  Yesterday, I went to the gravesite and talked to him and told him how do you expected me to continue when you took part of me.  I feel like a little piece of me is dying everyday.  I feel like I am no longer able to continue in this life.  What was my life seems to have disappeared and it has been replace by someone and something I don't know.  I love you and I need you hear with me.  Why did you leave me?  Everyone says that I need to let him rest in peace but how do I do that?  They say that I should not visit him everyday at the gravesite because he sees my pain and cannot rest.  They say that I should not cry because again he is not resting seeing me they way I am.   How could they say that?  Don't they understand that this pain is so great that I myself have no control over it.  Don't they know that he was my life?  Don't they know that I love him and miss him?  Life may continue for them but for me it has stopped.  This pain is so great that there are times I want to end it all but it is not what he would want me to do.  I have to live for my children and to fulfill some of his dreams but where do I get this strength to keep going.  Can  someone tell me where to buy, borrow, or find that strenght that is needed.  Can someone tell me how to continue in life.  How to get rid of this pain.  Where can we find our love ones?  How do we communicate with them?  Everyone says that he is around me all the time  why can't I feel him.  Others say because I am so consumed with my pain that is the reason he is not around.  I think this is the time he needs to be around so that I feel him near me and give me comfort that I need.  I love him and miss him so much that I fear what is left of my life.  I fear living alone and getting old.  He is the love of my life.  Why does death have to happen?  Death is cruel and ugly and it rears it head deep inside us and eats our inside.  I miss my husband so much and this hurts.  Love is suppose to be beautiful and loving but right now love hurts and it is very painful.  Love was our husband and now it has been taken away.  I feel so empty and hurt  and Oh God I miss him so much.  Why did you take him away from me?  What awful thing did i do to deserve him taken away from me?  What did he do to deserve to die?  God please guide me and let me have some answers.  I am getting crazy trying to figure out what went wrong.  I feel guilty and wonder if I could have stop this from happening?  Why Why Why did he have to die?  I need answers.