My son

Today is my older son's 10th birthday...my how time has flown.  I feel so old, he's not a double digit kid.  On the flip side, I feel so sad for him.  The divorce has affected him in ways I never would think.  He's ALWAYS sad and has thoughts of dying and wanting to be dead, hates his life, and is completely angry with me. It breaks my heart on a daily basis watching him treat me and his little brother like crap, because he is feeling like crap.  I thought being a good mother would help, but it doesn't.  It's a hard pill to swallow knowing that.  I just want my child to smile, to be happy, to understand, but he can't.  I'm not sure if the counseling is helping and quite frankly, he doesn't want to go.  He has it set in his mind his ideas of what happened and you aren't going to change that.  I feel extremely guilty and frustrated at him at the same time.  We fight, constantly, over everything, yet I try to be as supportive as he will let me within the boundaries.  So, this is what divorce has left me and him with....a sense of loss that no matter what I do, it won't be enough.  When they say divorce affects kids in ways that most will never know...it's so true.  For those contemplating divorce, please think long and hard of how it will affect the children and if anything could be saved. 
I love you, my Aidan....I hope you had a good 10th birthday.  I love you more than you know.