WTF
God, why am I such a tortured soul. I f'in checked his cell phone records and he called her 3x on the way up from the beach with my little son in the car. I knew it because his phone beeped like he was on another call. I checked his messages and they texted half the night when he got home. His dad is dead but his mom, I know, doesn't approve of the OW based on what I heard from my brother in law and a friend of his. I'm hoping they see it's him and not me, but he is her son. It seems they cannot be away from each other and I am disgusted in the fact my kids are with him...barring the fact he is their dad. I'm giving up control on that situation and I don't like it but I have no choice. He says he loves me but ONLY after I say it first....why would I even say it. I guess because somewhere deep inside I still do. I cannot go on like this...I just simply cannot go on. I'm going to hate my job....already at orientation I couldn't stand it. I haven't been contacted by the full time place yet. I feel like I'm trying to do too much but I have to in order to get ahead, somehow. My kids need their mom, I think, but at 6 and 2 he's going to give them the world materialistically...something I cannot and they will choose him and hate me, I'm sure of it. I just want to hold both boys and never let them go. They are the ONLY things that keep me going right now. Why do I torture myself? I want things to go back to be ok and they won't and never will. He will still be doing things behind my back and I find that so upsetting. My friends Dad, DAB70, RedRapunzel, Orient, hikerchick, and so many others have told me to stop and have given me great advice. I love you all for that. But why can't I? I know on my rational side I should and ought to but I just can't. I have to see it for myself daily how much he "talks" to her. I wonder what they are saying...are they talking about me...I'm sure of it. The old cliche' sticks and stones....but it still hurts....stilll hurts and this is why I cry on a daily basis. Right now I'm weeping because, again, it's so lonely and quiet without my children and him. He was my soulmate...my partner...why can't he see that. She is just a sex slave to him and is cruel and rotten and after being married 2x's, will end up getting rid of him when the need suits her....I'm sure if it. My stomach is a wreck...it's amazing I'm not throwing up blood yet. I cannot see my counsellor due to her office hours and now me working during the week. I have nobody...I cannot even talk to my parents, aunts, or anyone. So here I am, sitting and writing (typing) my heart out again and again, crying thinking it will help, when all I want is for him to say this was a joke or I will wake up from this nightmare. I had to move my slider back to zero percent on accepting that my marriage is over. Acceptance is hard for me....very hard today. I'm in a city I don't want to be in and I don't know what to do or where to go. I feel all I do is go round and round with the same shit and I'm not moving on or getting ahead. WTF! If there is a God, I wish he would put me out of my misery one way or another. I love my boys sooo much....sooo much. Why am I hanging on for dear life to them? I don't know. Maybe, again, I pushed myself to get a job when I wasn't ready but I had to. I'm not ready for full time again...haven't done it in 9 years. I just sit there with a nasty look on my face..I'm sure of it...when all I can think of it how to spend the time wisely for myself and those kids and the thought of companionship, even a friend, but companionship none the less. Sorry this is so long to anyone who reads it. I'm having not only a very bad day...but a bad week and month. They say it gets easier...I find it getting harder and I find myself more distraught. Sorry.
Replies
Oh, do I understand all that you are feeling and going through. I spent the first year (yes, year) wondering what he was doing, what they were doing and why I wasn\'t good enough. You know, first and foremost you need to be there for your little ones. They will get you through day in and day out. You need to stop having contact with him as much as possible. I struggled with this for a long time. Once I only related to him regarding the kids, I have gotten much better. I still have a long way to go. Know that you are not alone and that there are many here that understand and care. If you need anything, just ask.
Hey friend. Never appologize for writing long journals- that is what they are for. Even though you don\'t feel it, it is actually therapeutic. I know what you are going through. I too miss my soulmate, and the whole principal of a good marriage. My wife felt after 12 years of marriage that we are just too different. I am 45, and very old fashioned. I was taught to marry a good woman, always stay faithful and honest, love, have children, grow old together, and many many other things that my parents taught me. I now find out that it is just a fairy tale and is difficult to achieve in the world we are living now. Wish I lived closer to you so I could actually give you a real hug, but I am too far. You are not alone. You are in my thoughts.
L - you said it yourself, you know you have to stop. At this point, does it really matter what they are saying? The fact they ARE talking that much is the real problem, the what is just scenery. My marriage counselor told me to give myself a break and STOP checking the phone records every day and it was a while before the message sank in but you know what, once I did - POOF! Huge amount of stress gone. Hell, if you do it on the internet, block that page if you have to...whatever it takes, it is going to drive you NUTS and you need to stay focused and strong throughout this for those boys.
As for him \"spoiling\" them, yea, that will make them happy now at ages 6 and 2 but in the long run, it is the stable parent that they will look up to and believe it or not, one day they will understand and know what you went through and admire you for standing up for yourself.
His affair most likely will end badly and then what? The whore will have gone in and out of their lives and his and he\'ll have to deal with the fallout. You be there for those boys like a rock.
Sorry about the job but you are smart to think that way about getting ahead. He obviously is not reliable and so even if you do get child support and maintenance after the divorce, it\'ll be nice to know you worked hard and prepared for the worst.
I can\'t remember if you said you are in counseling or not but I really think you should check into that option if you can. It really helped me just to kind of get some things off my chest, deal with my anger in a healthy way, and put things in perspective. Then my 2nd counselor did a great job of getting me to see some things about myself that I had lost during the marriage and to see things that I will NOT put up with again.
Sending hugs and prayers your way and please let me know if there\'s anything I can do or if you need to chat, I\'m here. (((((GIANT HUGS)))))