WTF

God,  why am I such a tortured soul.  I f'in checked his cell phone records and he called her 3x on the way up from the beach with my little son in the car.  I knew it because his phone beeped like he was on another call.  I checked his messages and they texted half the night when he got home.  His dad is dead but his mom, I know, doesn't approve of the OW based on what I heard from my brother in law and a friend of his.  I'm hoping they see it's him and not me, but he is her son.  It seems they cannot be away from each other and I am disgusted in the fact my kids are with him...barring the fact he is their dad.  I'm giving up control on that situation and I don't like it but I have no choice.  He says he loves me but ONLY after I say it first....why would I even say it.  I guess because somewhere deep inside I still do.  I cannot go on like this...I just simply cannot go on.  I'm going to hate my job....already at orientation I couldn't stand it.  I haven't been contacted by the full time place yet.  I feel like I'm trying to do too much but I have to in order to get ahead, somehow.  My kids need their mom, I think, but at 6 and 2 he's going to give them the world materialistically...something I cannot and they will choose him and hate me, I'm sure of it.  I just want to hold both boys and never let them go.  They are the ONLY things that keep me going right now.  Why do I torture myself?  I want things to go back to be ok and they won't and never will.  He will still be doing things behind my back and I find that so upsetting.  My friends Dad, DAB70, RedRapunzel, Orient, hikerchick, and so many others have told me to stop and have given me great advice.  I love you all for that.  But why can't I?  I know on my rational side I should and ought to but I just can't.  I have to see it for myself daily how much he "talks" to her.  I wonder what they are saying...are they talking about me...I'm sure of it.  The old cliche' sticks and stones....but it still hurts....stilll hurts and this is why I cry on a daily basis.  Right now I'm weeping because, again, it's so lonely and quiet without my children and him.  He was my soulmate...my partner...why can't he see that.  She is just a sex slave to him and is cruel and rotten and after being married 2x's, will end up getting rid of him when the need suits her....I'm sure if it.  My stomach is a wreck...it's amazing I'm not throwing up blood yet.  I cannot see my counsellor due to her office hours and now me working during the week.  I have nobody...I cannot even talk to my parents, aunts, or anyone.  So here I am, sitting and writing (typing) my heart out again and again, crying thinking it will help, when all I want is for him to say this was a joke or I will wake up from this nightmare.  I had to move my slider back to zero percent on accepting that my marriage is over.  Acceptance is hard for me....very hard today.  I'm in a city I don't want to be in and I don't know what to do or where to go.  I feel all I do is go round and round with the same shit and I'm not moving on or getting ahead.  WTF!  If there is a God, I wish he would put me out of my misery one way or another.  I love my boys sooo much....sooo much.  Why am I hanging on for dear life to them?  I don't know.  Maybe, again, I pushed myself to get a job when I wasn't ready but I had to.  I'm not ready for full time again...haven't done it in 9 years.  I just sit there with a nasty look on my face..I'm sure of it...when all I can think of it how to spend the time wisely for myself and those kids and the thought of companionship, even a friend, but companionship none the less.  Sorry this is so long to anyone who reads it.  I'm having not only a very bad day...but a bad week and month.  They say it gets easier...I find it getting harder and I find myself more distraught.  Sorry.