Wow, not doing well at all today, emotionally.  Angry, scared, frustrated.  I can't run due to an ankle injury that won't heal.  I can't ride due to coumadin right now.  I've got no physical outlet.  The thought of being on thinners the rest of my life completely depresses me, and that's what I am looking at.
Then I see the pulmonologist a couple days ago and he starts throwing wround words like Cancer.  Seems unprovoked and unexplained PEs can be caused by cancer, and now I have had two of them.  he suggested another pelvic CT. I had one before in July after the first episode, but another one would be 5 CTs in one year.  And he wants an endoscopy, and a colonoscopy.  That's on top of the cystoscopy I had last year due to urinating blood.  Guess they don't want to leave out any orifices.  But now I am just obsessing about cancer.  I've been thru so much the last year, I honestly don't think I could handle a cancer diagnosis.  that would likely put me right over the edge.
I just feel like I want to scream and rip my skin off right now.  And no one really understands what it's like