My Story

So a lot of people have asked about the problem I have, and there are so many that I've decided to write out my story so people can read it and get a first hand account of my life. So here we go! I am currently eighteen, graduated from highschool this past June, and am currently sub-contracted to my uncle, who runs his own small "do anything" business. My intrests are sports, music and photography. Most have my problems have started from one incident back when I was in grade six, which is seven years ago. Back then, I wasn't the coolest guy in my grade, but I wasn't a loser either. Not for most of it anyways. That all changed one day when some kids who sat around me were discussing how much they swore. I thought it was kind of a wierd subject, but I didn't think about it. Trying to fit in with the group, I told them that I had never sworen before. My life went downhill from there. My friends were in shock, and immediatly started trying to get me to swear. I refused for about a week, and then I broke under the peer pressure and swore. I thought that would get them off my back, but I was wrong. People realized that I could be a push over under enough pressure. I started getting made fun of over how I swore, what I did and who I was. It was bad. I quickly became distant, withdrawn and shy. I was scared people would make fun of me if I said anything. Pretty soon the group I was hanging out with started trying to ditch me. I didn't really care at first, as I was tall and I could follow them pretty easily, but it started to take it's toll on me. Eventually I would get ditched and then I would just wander. It was absoluetly horrible. I felt absolutely alone. I started hanging out in a corner of the common area and just sitting there crying. No one seemed to notice, and no one seemed to care. Hockey started getting bad too. People would ridicule my goaltending and say I sucked when I was often the reason the team won (from the coach, not me bragging). I started jumpping from group to group. The longest I stayed with a group was over three months, and they were the ones that would eventually become the smokers. The only reason I hung with them was because they didn't pick fun of me. I never really blonged to any of the groups. I was an outsider, always on the edge. I was scared to get close to people cause I was afraid they would turn on me and start making fun of me. None of my teachers knew until a substitute french teacher saw some of my classmates bullying me. She stopped me after class to talk to me. She told my home room teacher who also had a talk to me and she also told my french teacher. They all had talks with me to see how I was doing. This was all still in grade six. Grade seven wasn't any better. I joined the volleyball team, but that didn't help. I also went to the school dances. I went in grade six as well, but I was a wall flower. The first dance I went to, I didn't know how to slow dance. They did this thing called a snowball and my name got called. I ran from the gym. I'd never seen people slow dance so I had no idea what to do. I eventually figured it out, but I was so shy I couldn't ask anyone to dance. The only time I slow danced with someone was when they asked me. Grade eight was an improvement, but also a disaster. Being top of the school gave me some confidence. It was great, but it didn't help enough. I found a group to hang out with, but I still didn't really belong there. It was also the year that I hit my limit. I started cracking in furious outbursts. I fought with my mom over almost any little thing. It was bad. I rarely smiled. It was also the first time I got a girlfriend. A girl in the group got me to ask out another girl in the group. It was my first girlfriend. It didn't last. We were together for almost two months before she dumped me. It was the day before valentines day. I was planning on going and getting her a present that day. I wanted to know why she dumped me, but she wouldn't tell. Eventually she told me she didn't feel a spark, and the only reason she had said yes in the first place was because she felt sorry for me. I was devestated. I wandered around the school yard, never smiling and trying to hold myself together. The cold and the snow helped dull my pain, cause everytime I went inside, I pretty much always broke down sobbing. I spent most of my time either wandering around outside or sitting at a table in the common area crying. I joined volleyball again. That didn't help. But once I had joined, I spent more time in the gym practicing with another kid and playing a game. It was fun, but it wasn't friendship. It was in there that I found my second girlfriend. Well actually, she found me. Her friends asked me if I liked this girl and I told them yes. They told me that she wanted to go out with me but I'd have to ask her out. So I did. The problem was, there was another girl I had met that I liked, but she didn't live in town and her mom wouldn't let her date till she was sixteen. I asked her that night if it would be ok with me going out with this other girl. She said yes. I should have known that she wasn't. She was dissapointed with me and it made me feel bad. I dumped the other girl soon after. We stayed friends, but things started getting difficult when her friend asked me to a dance and I said yes. It didn't mean anything, but it caused problems between the two. They managed to work things out and I never did dance with that girl. Mainly because she wanted me to ask her and I was to chicken too. Eventually, that same girl who wanted to dance with me, asked me out. I told her I wasn't sure, but I was really trying to avoid the question. I had problems with saying no, as I didn't like hurting people. She caught me and the end of the day and I told her yes because I couldn't say no. It was such a stupid move. The next day I was off to Victoria on a school trip for the last few days of school. I never saw her again until grade nine. Just before school was let out, I started dating Victoria, the girl from out of town. Her mom said she could date as long as she was asked out. I was exstatic. My life got so much better. To cap things off, they moved to Faulder, which is a part of Summerland and was about a 10 minute drive from my house. Our families got a long really well and things were great. I was so happy with Victoria and I wanted to make her happy in anything we did. And I mean anything. I wanted to prepare for every eventualitly. During grade seven, one of my friends introduced me to porn and quickly had me hooked. It became an addiction for me. I desperatly wanted to find someone who I could try some of the things I'd seen, but Victoria wanted to take things slow. I could never tell my bestfriend, KelsieRai, about it as she was a girl and that was just wierd. Eventually, I found out that one of the girls that was in my grade but had moved to Vancouver, was interested in me. We started dating online and things got very steamy, very quickly. She told me that she wanted to have sex with me and sent me a picture of her topless and completely naked. I wanted to please her too, so I sent her some pictures of me back. They were just as erotic as hers. Things would have been fine, if not for one bad thing. We only had one computer and my brothers and I each had a folder on it with our favourite things. I'm the computer buff in my family, so I had some music in my folder mixed in with the pictures. I could tell the difference between a music file and a photo file, but my brother couldn't. One time while I was out, he stumbled upon the photos. He told his girlfriend, who's the sister of Victoria, and in turn she told Victoria. Victoria knew about the photos for a month. Things also became difficult when Amber, the girl who moved to Vancouver and wanted to have sex with me, came back for a visit and saw me on the beach with Victoria. It was awkward, but nothing happened. That summer was the second time I had gone to camp and my first time going to camp Tulahead. I was going with Victoria and Christina, her sister. I thought it was going to be a lot of fun. It was the complete opposite. The first full day, Victoria dumped me. She used someone else to tell me she wanted to take a break and that we weren't going to get back together. It broke my heart. I knew that her and my bestfriend were actually planning the wedding for Victoria and me. I became an black hole of dispare. I could not be happy. I cried at least once every day I was there. My councellor was a great help, and I opened up to my cabin. I was an absolute wreck. I wanted to go home, but I couldn't find the courage to call my parents and come home early. I could not enjoy myself. I eventually found out why she dumped me. I asked her why she never talked to me about it, and she told me she was thinking about it, but I when my family went to Alberta the week before, she decided to dump me. I had to spend an hour and a half drive home with her, and then her family being over for another three hours. It was bad. I entered grade nine in a sever state of depression. I contemplated suicide many times, and I would have done it if I wasn't so scared of the pain. Being in the highschool helped decrease the bullying. With having an open campus, everyone went there seperate ways. I ended up hanging in the Science wing because it was quiet and there was ping pong. I played a lot of ping pong. I also started hanging with my best friend KelsieRai again. We had known each other forever and it was easy for use to hang. We triend dating, but it just never really worked out. We cuddled and held hands, but we never really dated because I couldn't ask her mother. I'm just to shy to do that. Things were ok throughout high school, but they weren't great. I spent most of my time in the science wing reading. I didn't talk to many people, and not many people talked to me. In grade 9, I tried something different and played a level higher in hockey because they needed a goalie. I thought it would be a good idea for me as it would be with some new people and I'd meet people in every grade in the high school. It started off really good, but then it got worse. People started making fun of the way I spoke and how I sounded. It was hard on me. I was scared to open my mouth at all because I didn't want them to make fun of me at all. Grade 12 saw things start to look up for me. People didn't really care anymore and I started to relax a lot. I tried breaking out of my shell and I asked a girl out. Nothing really happened, but it helped me relax and I joined in there group. It was a lot of fun. Though now that I'm gradded, things are getting bad again. All my friends are gone away to college and I have no  one to really hang with. It's starting to get to me and I'm slipping a little back into my depressed state. I love all the friends I have on here, but it just isn't the same as having that friend in real life that you can go and hang out with. So there it is. Thats pretty much everything about my life. If you have any questions, feel free to comment or send me a message. Thanks for reading.