Changes
As I approach a week without indulging in pornography, I was encouraged by a member of my support group to write about the changes that I see in myself. I am taking that advice and putting it into practice.
One change has been that I have had more energy. Indulging in porn caused so much guilt and shame. It would take so much energy to stop the feelings of guilt and to once again muster up the strength to climb out of the pit into which I stepped. It is a BIG struggle still to resist the temptations that often come. But that struggle is less than the struggle of shame that comes after giving into the temptation.
Another change that I have noticed is how much more loving I am, especially to my wife and kids. I am more present - I feel less distant. I WANT to spend time with them. It's almost like I didn't like my family when I was on porn. That doesn't make sense...why wouldn't I love them?! They are the sweetest gifts a man could ever receive in life. They are my treasure. In fact, I told them that, and my oldest daughter's face lit up. She rushed over to me, jumped up into my arms and said, "I love you, Daddy." My heart was bursting as I looked over and saw my wife's eyes water with emotion. She told me a few minutes later, "Do you have any idea what your words do to that little girl?" My wife thanked me for being so sweet to her lately, especially as she's been dealing with cramping this time of the month. I'm just being a husband-being involved. Again, this is my family; they are my treasure.
One more change that I can think of is how much I am in awe of life in general. Everything seems to come alive. I admired the flowers in the supermarket, the white, crisp snow on the ground that sparkles, the spectrum of colors at dusk, etc. Life is precious. When my brain isn't constantly oversexualizing everything, I am free to see the beauty all around me. True beauty. Yes, I still notice a pretty face or a very attractive body when I am out in public, and I still battle thoughts of lust even with passing strangers. I think that is a side effect of the porn combined with being a hot-blooded man. However, I am learning to reign in my desires to be a man of honor that I want to and need to be.
This has been one of the best weeks of my life.
One change has been that I have had more energy. Indulging in porn caused so much guilt and shame. It would take so much energy to stop the feelings of guilt and to once again muster up the strength to climb out of the pit into which I stepped. It is a BIG struggle still to resist the temptations that often come. But that struggle is less than the struggle of shame that comes after giving into the temptation.
Another change that I have noticed is how much more loving I am, especially to my wife and kids. I am more present - I feel less distant. I WANT to spend time with them. It's almost like I didn't like my family when I was on porn. That doesn't make sense...why wouldn't I love them?! They are the sweetest gifts a man could ever receive in life. They are my treasure. In fact, I told them that, and my oldest daughter's face lit up. She rushed over to me, jumped up into my arms and said, "I love you, Daddy." My heart was bursting as I looked over and saw my wife's eyes water with emotion. She told me a few minutes later, "Do you have any idea what your words do to that little girl?" My wife thanked me for being so sweet to her lately, especially as she's been dealing with cramping this time of the month. I'm just being a husband-being involved. Again, this is my family; they are my treasure.
One more change that I can think of is how much I am in awe of life in general. Everything seems to come alive. I admired the flowers in the supermarket, the white, crisp snow on the ground that sparkles, the spectrum of colors at dusk, etc. Life is precious. When my brain isn't constantly oversexualizing everything, I am free to see the beauty all around me. True beauty. Yes, I still notice a pretty face or a very attractive body when I am out in public, and I still battle thoughts of lust even with passing strangers. I think that is a side effect of the porn combined with being a hot-blooded man. However, I am learning to reign in my desires to be a man of honor that I want to and need to be.
This has been one of the best weeks of my life.
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