hello, it's been awhile, I just returned from italy visiting my mother's family (her sister and brothers, aunts and cousins) it was so hard to be there without her. I kept wondering what she was thinking when she was there in november visiting, she had relapsed yet. it was right after that trip and i can't help but wonder if she knew she would never go back tothe  place she grew up and see her siblings again. i cried and relived so much and i couldn't hold back the tears. It has been so overwhelming. I went with my father and took my three young boys with me. My dad seems so sad as he remembered the streets they walked hand in hand with, the church where they married. She should have been on this trip that we had talked about. I could picture her sometimes smiling as the kids were running and laughing in the yard. but she should be enjoying this too was all I could think. It seems to me I can't stop thinking about that last week and how she knew it was going to be soon, not as soon as she passed but knew that the cancer had spread. It was the fastest four months and it will never make sense to me. I just don't understand where it all went wrong. My son who is 8 years old found a song and played it for me, called "i miss you" and said it reminds him of my mother and he  hugged me and sang it to me and I just lost it. I can't believe she is gone from my life, and I can't hear her voice. It will be 4 months soon and it hurts so much. It's been a really bad day for me and I don't know what I can do. Yes, my kids keep me busy but, I just miss her and I pray that she will visit me in a dream and give me a sign. I keep seeing butterflies and I know that she loved them, but I want more. I want to see her smile at me and hug me and tell me everything will be OK, b/c I cant imagine that it will ever be OK. I am not OK. I am going to have a cup of chamomile and read a little or watch tv. Everyone is fast asleep and I can't get my mommy off my mind.