I thought I would try writing in the journal some more. Hopefully to try and settle my thoughts some and come to terms with my pending divorce. Much of the last couple of months has been a long stretch of time. I became aware that my wife was having doubts about the marriage in the beginning of June. We were having discussions/arguements for a couple of days prior to her leaving for a trip to see her father who hasn't been feeling well in mid June. While back visiting she spent a good majority of the time with one of her ex-boyfriends who is going through a divorce as well. Very little time was spent with her father or her family. This guy cheated on my wife with a rival girlfriend and got that women pregnant. She is leaving him with their three kids. My wife returned early July and asked for the divorce. I was still trying everything I could think of to get her to talk to me, a counselor, her pastor, anyone so we could try and work on our difficulties. Mid July rolled around and things were getting worse. She was getting more and more chaotic and it seemed desperate to get out. After an arguement/fight which I grabbed my wife by the arms in frustration because I felt(and still do) that she was turning my son against me and my subsequent night in jail. I've gone from not having any visitation with my son to being offered 2 days for 2 hours under supervision with a family friend. I won't name her but this lady showed more class and dignity during all of this. I've told her that and I just hope she knows how much it meant to me to see my son. To the following week being called by the lawyer to tell me that my wife was offering unsupervised vistiation. I hadn't heard anything more that day so I went ahead with the supervised plan. Half way through my visit with my son, which he spent skooting around at the skate park, our "supervisor" came over to me and said everything was ok for unsupervised and I was to drop my son off at a store close by. I was all for it and took my son after our visit to the store. My wife was inside the store so I put all of my son's stuff down beside the car and waited there with my son. I saw her coming out and I told him goodbye and just walked around the truck with my eyes down and got in. I tried to make eye contact with my son before I drove away, but he was too busy putting his stuff in the car. My wife is staring right at me and waves to me. I threw a wave at her and just got out of there. My lawyer called the next day and I told him how everything had went and he said I could have been put in jail because nothing had been filed with the court. Lesson to all, you can only do what the court says you can do. You can get yourself in big trouble if you deviate at all. The following Monday was court for the divorce which they postponed because they weren't ready? Then it took them all week to get the modified protection order done that allows me to visit with my son unsupervised. Also I can email my wife for visitation/childcare. I email her about seeing my son on Saturday and she fired off like 5 emails just going on about this and that. Our son was at soccer camp the previous week getting off on Friday. I got to see him on Saturday and she asked if I wanted him on Sunday, which of course I jumped at. Now she has training on the East Coast for 10 days and they want me to stay with my son over at the house. So in the span of 40 days in which my wife says amoungst some other crazy thing that "she had the scariest night of her life" and I shouldn't be allowed around her son unless strictly supervised because I've been emotionally and verbally abusing her and him for YEARS. I've gone from not being able to see my son unless supervised to now getting him for 10 days while she goes for training. It just seems surreal that this is all happening and I go from being very angry to just a puddle of tears, especially when I think about losing my son. In fact I'm tearing up right now, he is a great boy and I feel so angry that my wife is being so selfish right now that she can''t even see how much it's hurting our son. She is also making plans to move back East so that will essentially stop me from seeing our son except for once or twice a year. I still love my wife and I have always put our family first. There wasn't any fooling around, no drinking, gambling, or ignoring either my wife or my son. I got off work went home, did soccer practice, stayed home with the son while she was out. No one has a perfect marriage but I was totally blindsided by this and I am really struggling with how fast this has all come about. I am concentrating on being there for my son, I do not discuss anything with him about the divorce, he's already seen enough. I don't talk bad about his mother even though it sounds like she is just sleeping in her room all day when not at work. I'm really trying to just make sure that he knows I love him and that I want to be part of his life in whatever way I can. I know this has been a long rambling story but they say it helps to write your thoughts down. Hopefully this gets my head on straight and I can start moving forward instead of being stuck in this rut of self pity and doubt about who I am as a person. I know that God gives us only what we can handle, but he might have over estimated my capacity just a little.
Replies
GoodFight: You are exhibiting an incredible amount of strength through this whole ordeal. I\'m so glad you shared this and hope that your DS friends and I can support you. Wow, I can\'t believe you are going through all of this. I truly feel for you. It sounds like her issues have consumed her life and obviously affected you and your son. Is there anything you can do to prevent her from moving? If the custody arrangement allows you to see your son every week, it seems like the courts could prevent her from moving....not that I know anything about this. Has she ever given marriage counseling a chance? It really does seem abrupt and in a reaction to emotions, not reality.
It\'s hard not to feel sorry for yourself--I\'ve been there!! So don\'t beat yourself up. You will get through this, I know it. Lean on friends! Again, I am so sorry about all of this. But I do know that you will survive.
I think you are handling everything with SUCH grace and dignity. Not once have you cussed your wife in your journal like many people would...your journal shows a heart of a Father who wants nothing but the best for his son. Feeling self pity and self doubt unfortunately goes with the territory too. I don\'t understand why a person could have someone who is wonderful to them but easily turn a blind eye and back on that person. THAT will never make sense to me. I am happy you are starting to journal. You need to release all the emotions you have bottled up. Please know you have friends in DS who are rooting for you. Hang in there Scott. Hugs.
First thought..can she just take your kid east? You don\'t need to answer that to me but when I was choosing to leave the state I was in the law said that I would have to leave my son unless their was an agreement (and I had primary custody). On to next subject and maybe hope for you..... My first husband was manipulative. I left him when my son was 18 months...long story short, I did what you did and not discuss the bad about his father (I was not his cheerleader but I was not on a anti-dad-campaign). My son, as he has gotten older SEEs what we both are...on his own. He sees our faults and positives. He has a relationship that is not as clouded and influenced as it was when he was younger. Our son has a cel phone so that his dad can call anytime and vice-versa. You can have an amazing relationship with your son just fight for communication with him. Keep doing what you are and maintain that and he will value that time. Eventually, he may feel closer to you and decide on his own that he wants to be with you. It is possible. I hope you find what I am saying encouraging. What a difficult time and I appreciate you sharing your story in full with us. You are in my thoughts, Scott. I am grateful for your online friendship :0) Take care.
My first thought is.... your wife is a freakin\' mess and it\'s a shame that she\'ll just repeat her issues again and again. Running to an ex-boyfriend is certainly NOT going to fix them. About how your wife may be talking about you to your son.... my husband\'s ex-wife began a smear campaign a couple of years after their divorce, and it increased after he and I wed. Luckily, as Ginebra shared, as the boys have grown to be adults, they have come to realize that what they\'d been fed by their mother was absolute crap. I read a couple of books about \"parent alienation\" when this was happening that helped me to understand things a bit better. And one gem I found was that professionals warn that alienating a child from the other parent will only come back to bite the alienating parent once the child is old enough to figure things out on their own. And when that time comes, the child will actually turn away from the alienating parent because they see them for their true self. I know this isn\'t much comfort now, but I\'m sharing it because my husband and I kept it in the back of our minds for years and took the high road and chose not to bash his ex-wife regardless of the nasty lies she told about us. And although it was really difficult at times, like you are doing, we refused to retaliate and kept our dignity. And the boys now trust what we say, because we\'ve always been respectful, and honest with them. Hugs to you Goodfight - like you\'re name, you are truly fighting the good fight :-).
As I keep on telling you, you are a WONDERFUL person, and all the people above think so too.
I hope writing this helped you. You do have an enormous amount of support from us here on DS, and I for one am very honoured to be your friend.
There is going to be sunshine after the rain, and \'Trouble\' is not going to be sitting in your arm chair for long!!
Much love and hugs to you my friend xx