I thought I would try writing in the journal some more. Hopefully to try and settle my thoughts some and come to terms with my pending divorce. Much of the last couple of months has been a long stretch of time. I became aware that my wife was having doubts about the marriage in the beginning of June. We were having discussions/arguements for a couple of days prior to her leaving for a trip to see her father who hasn't been feeling well in mid June. While back visiting she spent a good majority of the time with one of her ex-boyfriends who is going through a divorce as well. Very little time was spent with her father or her family. This guy cheated on my wife with a rival girlfriend and got that women pregnant. She is leaving him with their three kids. My wife returned early July and asked for the divorce. I was still trying everything I could think of to get her to talk to me, a counselor, her pastor, anyone so we could try and work on our difficulties. Mid July rolled around and things were getting worse. She was getting more and more chaotic and it seemed desperate to get out. After an arguement/fight which I grabbed my wife by the arms in frustration because I felt(and still do) that she was turning my son against me and my subsequent night in jail. I've gone from not having any visitation with my son to being offered 2 days for 2 hours under supervision with a family friend. I won't name her but this lady showed more class and dignity during all of this. I've told her that and I just hope she knows how much it meant to me to see my son. To the following week being called by the lawyer to tell me that my wife was offering unsupervised vistiation. I hadn't heard anything more that day so I went ahead with the supervised plan. Half way through my visit with my son, which he spent skooting around at the skate park, our "supervisor" came over to me and said everything was ok for unsupervised and I was to drop my son off at a store close by. I was all for it and took my son after our visit to the store. My wife was inside the store so I put all of my son's stuff down beside the car and waited there with my son. I saw her coming out and I told him goodbye and just walked around the truck with my eyes down and got in. I tried to make eye contact with my son before I drove away, but he was too busy putting his stuff in the car. My wife is staring right at me and waves to me. I threw a wave at her and just got out of there. My lawyer called the next day and I told him how everything had went and he said I could have been put in jail because nothing had been filed with the court. Lesson to all, you can only do what the court says you can do. You can get yourself in big trouble if you deviate at all. The following Monday was court for the divorce which they postponed because they weren't ready? Then it took them all week to get the modified protection order done that allows me to visit with my son unsupervised. Also I can email my wife for visitation/childcare. I email her about seeing my son on Saturday and she fired off like 5 emails just going on about this and that. Our son was at soccer camp the previous week getting off on Friday. I got to see him on Saturday and she asked if I wanted him on Sunday, which of course I jumped at. Now she has training on the East Coast for 10 days and they want me to stay with my son over at the house. So in the span of 40 days in which my wife says amoungst some other crazy thing that "she had the scariest night of her life" and I shouldn't be allowed around her son unless strictly supervised because I've been emotionally and verbally abusing her and him for YEARS. I've gone from not being able to see my son unless supervised to now getting him for 10 days while she goes for training. It just seems surreal that this is all happening and I go from being very angry to just a puddle of tears, especially when I think about losing my son. In fact I'm tearing up right now, he is a great boy and I feel so angry that my wife is being so selfish right now that she can''t even see how much it's hurting our son. She is also making plans to move back East so that will essentially stop me from seeing our son except for once or twice a year. I still love my wife and I have always put our family first. There wasn't any fooling around, no drinking, gambling, or ignoring either my wife or my son. I got off work went home, did soccer practice, stayed home with the son while she was out. No one has a perfect marriage but I was totally blindsided by this and I am really struggling with how fast this has all come about. I am concentrating on being there for my son, I do not discuss anything with him about the divorce, he's already seen enough. I don't talk bad about his mother even though it sounds like she is just sleeping in her room all day when not at work. I'm really trying to just make sure that he knows I love him and that I want to be part of his life in whatever way I can. I know this has been a long rambling story but they say it helps to write your thoughts down. Hopefully this gets my head on straight and I can start moving forward instead of being stuck in this rut of self pity and doubt about who I am as a person. I know that God gives us only what we can handle, but he might have over estimated my capacity just a little.