Today
I'm not exactly sure what happened, but after three days of having complete meltdowns I've retreated back to a state of almost unnatural calmness. I went into Jarrett's room several times today and just breathed in his lingering scent. I sat in his special spot on the carpet, which was strategically right infront of his TV. I put my fingers over the little holes he had made in the wall the nights he couldn't sleep..he would pick at the textured wall, leaving little finger indentations.. Not once did I cry..or breakdown..its so strange. I think maybe my pleading to God for strength and peace may have been temporarily answered. I looked at pictures today...I even had a flash back from the accident..seeing him as he was the moment of his death and nothing..not one tear...What is that?
Replies
We move through many cycles on this grief journey. I do think we get strength when most needed and when a day comes that the tears start again and the agony seems too unbearable, remember the day you had today where you could sit quietly in his room and breathe him in, look at picture or have a flashback and still feel some calm. I hope that your calmness will continue. Much love. Robin
Robin is right. These moments will turn into hours and then even a full day here and there, you\'re coming to terms with this in your own way. The other day I had what must have been a full hour of \"normal\" thought, I actually felt \"free\" just like my old self. Then later, breakdown. My grief counselor tells me this hour of return to my normal self is wonderful, that I\'m still \"IN HERE\" somewhere. She tells me, my psychotherapist tells me, and everyone I know who lost a child tells me: roller coaster ride, calm moments occur, in time the calm moments get more and more constant, the \"normal\" self reasserts itself little by little, and all this interspersed with feelings of intense loss, grief, even anger. The first year, they say, is the hardest but you have to \"work\" at your grief. It\'s just now becoming REAL to me: no, she\'s never coming home. YES she did this awful thing. I can go out now during the day and spend hours doing things. In the first two months, I had time limits: couldn\'t be out for more than a few hours without a breakdown. At first, when I felt calm, I worried (as you are) WHAT IS THIS?? Now I sort of understand that it\'s my healthy mind trying to find a balance. People survive this, they go on with their lives (always missing their child and never forgetting), they find a \"new normal\". How long this takes I think depends on what you do for yourself. If you can afford a grief counselor, find one. Without professional help I wouldn\'t have come this far, I\'d be confused and scared. If you can\'t afford one or your insurance doesn\'t pay, READ. The more you intellectually understand, the longer you repeat certain facts and feed your mind those facts, the more they become part of your emotions and understanding. This helps erase self blame, guilt, the \"what if\'s\". This isn\'t a fun journey, it\'s the worst thing in the world.
Grief ebbs and flows. I am so glad that you were able to have those precious moments in your son\'s room. I believe he was with you.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
So..As Ellzeena said..the roller coaster continues. I had a minor meltdown again this morning..I sat in my Jarretts room and just became overwhelmed with grief. Today, we are painting the house and getting it ready to list. All the little marks that my son left behind in his room well be painted over and after today his room will not resemble HIM anymore..its so painful.
Yes...the ups and downs..it is the way of life now. But please know that one day the ups will last longer. Take gentle care of yourself...