Matthew and I are both grieving in our own ways, but Matt has his job to go to and distract him from the pain. Not a moment goes by in my day that in not thinking of my son. I feel so guilty that I survived that accident and he didn't. I was in the back seat with him just minutes before the accident, if I had just stayed back there with the kids instead of moving back to the front seat, I might have been able to protect him. Each day is torture for me, I'm trapped in a life I no longer want to keep living but can't do anything about it because of my love for Matt and Jon. They have already been through so much and I would never add to their pain. My mom died when I was 4, I resented the fact that I never had that whole mother daughter relationship, and my dad "checked out" on me , left me with anyone willing to take me in and he took deployment after deployment to avoid being a single dad. He retired when I was 13 but by then the damage to our relationship was done and as soon as I turned 17 I ran away with Matt and never looked back. I can't destroy Jonny that way. I had finally built this prefect life, a great marriage to a wonderful man and two great kids. It took us 6 years to give Jarrett a brother, as well as 6 miscarriages! Those losses were nothing compared to losing Jarrett. We were so happy, I had just started my own business and was two weeks from finishing school when this happened. Now I can't bring myself to finish or even think of reopening Plumeria Parties... Losing my son killed something in me, it takes all my energy to simply exist and be "mommy" for Jon. I cant even look a year or 10 years ahead it's too overwhelming. Tomorrow marks the 2month anniversary of the accident and the worst moment of my life, watching my son die, and that burden I'm carrying just get heavier and heavier for me to bear. Matt and I were there! We held our son, watched him bleed to death, looked into his lifeless eyes and couldn't do anything about it. How are we ever supposed to get past that?