Matthew and I are both grieving in our own ways, but Matt has his job to go to and distract him from the pain. Not a moment goes by in my day that in not thinking of my son. I feel so guilty that I survived that accident and he didn't. I was in the back seat with him just minutes before the accident, if I had just stayed back there with the kids instead of moving back to the front seat, I might have been able to protect him. Each day is torture for me, I'm trapped in a life I no longer want to keep living but can't do anything about it because of my love for Matt and Jon. They have already been through so much and I would never add to their pain. My mom died when I was 4, I resented the fact that I never had that whole mother daughter relationship, and my dad "checked out" on me , left me with anyone willing to take me in and he took deployment after deployment to avoid being a single dad. He retired when I was 13 but by then the damage to our relationship was done and as soon as I turned 17 I ran away with Matt and never looked back. I can't destroy Jonny that way. I had finally built this prefect life, a great marriage to a wonderful man and two great kids. It took us 6 years to give Jarrett a brother, as well as 6 miscarriages! Those losses were nothing compared to losing Jarrett. We were so happy, I had just started my own business and was two weeks from finishing school when this happened. Now I can't bring myself to finish or even think of reopening Plumeria Parties... Losing my son killed something in me, it takes all my energy to simply exist and be "mommy" for Jon. I cant even look a year or 10 years ahead it's too overwhelming. Tomorrow marks the 2month anniversary of the accident and the worst moment of my life, watching my son die, and that burden I'm carrying just get heavier and heavier for me to bear. Matt and I were there! We held our son, watched him bleed to death, looked into his lifeless eyes and couldn't do anything about it. How are we ever supposed to get past that?
Replies
I don\'t believe any of us will ever get \"past\" this horrific loss of our beloved children. Somehow it slowly begins to integrate itself into the fabric of the life we are weaving with all the holes, places that need to be ripped out and even without our understanding or even knowing how it happens? None of this is as it should be and you are right... you are using every ounce of energy that you have to be a mother to Jonny and go about the basics of everyday living. You would have traded places with Jarrett in a moment and I understand that. This is not at all how you imagined your life at all and it just SUCKS! All I can offer is my understanding and companionship on this path full of boulders and continue to hope that the burden will become lighter and change somehow with time. Hand in hand and heart to heart... Comfort for your sadness and wish I could cry WITH you. Loving care to you and your sweet family. XO Joanie
Michelle being Mommy to Jon is the most important thing in your life now. Everything else doesn\'t really matter. In time you will feel more like picking up the pieces of your shattered life, but your loss is so new and the hurt is so bad right now -- it\'s ok to leave those pieces where they are if that is what you want. I think it is much worse to lose a child so young, you also lose the dreams you had for him. What has happened to you is the worse thing that could happen to any mother. I\'m sending you love and prayers for peace. Terry
Dear Michelle. You have been through the most horrific tragedy that any mother could experience. As Joanie says, it just SUCKS! How sad that you lost your mother at such a young age, and your father essentially too.
But as you know, Jon needs you, as does Matt; so please hang in, minute by minute, day by day. I can say that my granddaughter, son and husband are my reasons for living.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
The worst thing that can happened...has happened. Do not try to look too far into the future...right now you are dealing with your broken heart. It is hard to imagine how your life can be...will be...so just take care of yourself and your family right now...just do the basics...love and hugs...Karen
Michelle, it\'s good to say it and write it... get it out of your head and heart for jus ta few minutes. I know the wellspring of grief will never dry up... it flows for life... but that\'s because you are alive. I know I felt like it was insane to be doing everyday things when Andy could not... all these little things... it\'s not even the biggies. I think I would call it survivor terror. Or horror. It\'s just so horrible. But we are not, repeat NOT, guilty of our children\'s deaths. We would have done anything to prevent it. With gentle patience and time, you will very likely find that your sweet little Jarrett is part of your life in many ways... and I hope you will feel some of the joy of the love that lasts forever. Have you found a counselor or pastor that can help you with talking? Or do you have a REALLY good friend, someone who understands that this cannot be fixed but just needs a very frequent hug and sob? Then of course we are always here... just holding out the hankie. I really understand. So hard.
Love and a hug,
Sarah
I am sorry for your pain...I can not image the pain you feel other than losing a child...the pain I feel....I wish we could all just turn back the clock and make it all okay....Sandi
I\'m a mom who\'s lost a child... but still... I don\'t know what to say... I\'d really love to be able to say something that would help even if it were only a little bit... Right now I would say that you are indeed doing all you can just to move forward from one second to another... Like the other moms have told you... we don\'t get over it... but hopefully as time goes by you\'ll find the pain is part of your life now... but so is the good... it will take time... lots of it.. I hope you\'re getting counselling... I and practically every mom here knows what you mean when you talk about the life you no longer want... but as you\'ve already seen there are those who love you who need you... So for now take care of you for them... My heart is crying with you as are the hearts of all of us. Its not enough but its something we can do... we will cry with you and someday we\'ll smile with you. Hugs Elissa Cara\'s Mom For Always