We were just informed that Jarretts Death Certificate is done and ready to be picked up. The words Death Certificate ripped me apart till I had a complete breakdown! Now of course that my son is gone, my mental clarity hasn't completely gone (yet) but those words felt so FINAL! I kept trying to get "approval" with my husband to just let me die so I could be with my son. I kept trying to convince him he would be fine as a single father...to make a long story short.... I REALLY lost it! Then my little boy comes and gives me a kiss and a hug and that helped bring me back down. Why is this so difficult? Its almost a month since my sons death, I have hated every second of this nightmare. How do you all find the strength to deal with this every day? On the 20th Matt and I had planned to go to the Jeff Dunham show. I stood in line for what seemed like forever, while sick with a stomach flu and taking care of my 3 year old to get front row center seats for us and our closest friends, it was supposed to be the first date night we've had since Valentines Day. Now I feel if I go and allow us to have a good time, I'm betraying my son, is it too soon? Should I get rid of our tickets? It feels so wrong. Everyone is trying to convince us that it would be good for us, but none have ever lost a child, they can't understand this. I need some advise.
Replies
Your son would want you to go!!!! I try to do the things that would make my Jim proud. He was always one to say, \'GO MOM!\" I did this while he was alive and I do it still. I am sure your son will be smiling down on you as you enjoy the company of his father and the concert. GO!
You are not betraying your son you are honoring his life by continuing to live yours as best as you are able. I understand that it feels so soon yet these are chances for you to venture out and give it a try. I hope that you will go and I understand how difficult it is to make this decision. Your marriage needs nurturing too as this loss rocks the strongest of ones and my sense is that anytime we can have some one on one with our significant other we need to seize it.
Oh it is so hard to receive that certificate. It just hurts to have that. There are some many things that you will be facing....things you never imagined. You get the strength to go on because you have to. Your little boy needs you and your husband does too....just as you need them. It is not too soon and you will not be betraying your son if you decide to go. You will never betray him by your actions. You need to do what is best for you. Maybe it will be good for you & your husband to get out. I know it is a hard decision to make, but maybe as the time gets closer to go, maybe you will feel more like you can.....just do what is in your heart. Hugs, Kim
there are the tiniest little fragments of \'ability to cope\'... floating around in each of us. somedays they seem to come together and we\'re able to manage the grief. i would say \"yes I\'ll go\" and give it your best shot. if you get there and after a few songs you just cannot cope, then that\'s ok... we have to give ourselves permission to go home when home is the only place we can breathe. going out, though, is a way to honor the life of the one who is gone... i agree with that. and sweetie, you know how badly your heart is hurting right now... you can imagine how badly your other boy and your husband would hurt without you! what if your husband said to you that he wanted to die and YOU could be the single mother... it\'s unthinkably sad. i\'m afraid we just have to crawl through these awful times... sometimes on our hands and knees. you can always tell us about what\'s going on and know that we understand. my son has been gone for a year plus a couple of weeks, but i knew he was going to die for 17 months before that so it\'s a different experience. in the end though, my boy is gone too, and my pain knows yours.
holding you in the light of love -- Sarah
You are are so admirable, I am so appreciative of all the support. Thank you so very much for reaching out to me this has been so hard and I don\'t think I could have survives the past couple weeks without you.
Sorry I meant \" you all\"
Everything you write is so \"normal\" as if anything is normal now. I remember doing my sons tax return the first time and the IRS agent telling me I had to write in big letters across the return \"DECEASED\". I couldn\'t breathe hearing those words let alone writing them. I also remember very vividly in that first year not being suicidal but wanting so badly to die myself and be with my son that I would actually pray to not wake up. Finally one day my husband told me rather sternly...\"You have three other children that you are going to raise\". It\'s so hard to want to be with our child that is gone but also not want to leave our living children. It is something that we fight for a long time. It doesn\'t seem like it now, but I know as time passes (very slowly in the beginning) that you will find that \"new normal\" and you will want to be here for your living child and see all the things that happen in his life and you honor Jarrett by doing just that. As for your concert...it does feel like we betray our children when we are happy but it also is so needed and feels so good to smile again so please go and try to enjoy yourself. Jarrett would want that for all of you. Here if you need anything. Much love. Robin