Today
Had a hard time getting out of bed this morning. I felt so numb. Then I went into Jarretts room and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. How could God let this happen to us, to my sweet my little boy. What did I Do so awful in my life to deserve this pain? To deserve the ultimate punishment, losing my child? I have my bad days and days that aren't so bad, I doubt there will ever be a good day in my future ever again. How am I supposed to live the rest of my life filled with sorrow because I will never see my son, guilt for not being able to save him, anger towards the man that killed him, doubt in weather I was a good enough mother to him? It's so hard to imagine going forward and leaving him behind. I don't know how many times I've begged god to take me so I could be with him, and of course he does not answer. I don't know what to do. Every breath feels forced, every heartbeat like a betrayal to my son who's heart will never beat again. :(
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All I can say is we all have those feelings. It is so raw for you now. Moving gorward is tough. But we have to. In time the feelings are less intense that much I can assure you. Sometimes I have a sense that I haven\'t even accepted it on all levels..hard to explain.
I wish I could hug you and say it will be all right. Accept my virtual hug and know that in time, the pain is less. And there will once again be \'sunny days\'. You\'ll cherish them when they come. We can take nothing for granted, we\'ve learned that the hard way.
God\'s blessings and know you are in my prayers,
Soosanah2
You did nothing in your life to deserve this pain. None of us did. I don\'t understand or know how these things could happen yet they do. All of what you are feeling is so intense and painful and I\'m sure you are wondering how your heart could still be beating when it feels so broken... One thing that I learned from Teri (Remember Kala) is that her daughter let her know that she wanted to be invited along... it took me time to get to this point yet now rather than believing that I have left Douglas behind I ask him to companion and help me. Integrating the loss into life today is what I learned from Teri and believe me when I first read that it almost made me think what was she \"smoking\" to even be to that point?! I filed it away and when I was ready in my own time I too invited Douglas to be with me. Sending continued healing your way dear Michelle. I\'m so sorry...XO Joanie