Today

Had a hard time getting out of bed this morning. I felt so numb. Then I went into Jarretts room and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. How could God let this happen to us, to my sweet my little boy. What did I Do so awful in my life to deserve this pain? To deserve the ultimate punishment, losing my child? I have my bad days and days that aren't so bad, I doubt there will ever be a good day in my future ever again. How am I supposed to live the rest of my life filled with sorrow because I will never see my son, guilt for not being able to save him, anger towards the man that killed him, doubt in weather I was a good enough mother to him? It's so hard to imagine going forward and leaving him behind. I don't know how many times I've begged god to take me so I could be with him, and of course he does not answer. I don't know what to do. Every breath feels forced, every heartbeat like a betrayal to my son who's heart will never beat again. :(