Another Day
Today was the first time I drove alone with my son since the accident. I was a nervous wreck the whole time. Jarretts favorite song came on the stereo, and I started crying. I knew I had to get a grip cause I was driving so I sucked it up and did what I needed to do. Then we stopped at the grocery store, I had to get my little one milk. I passed the SILK ( my son was allergic to dairy so he's been drinking silk since he was a baby) I started crying again. Ive never had to go to the store and not grab his milk before. My last stop was the pharmacy, the pharmacist took one look at me and there was this look of absolute pity on her face. "I am so sorry for your loss Ms. Mantanona, what an awful tragedy, we are all very sad for you" she said. Our accident and Jarrett's death has been a very publicized issue here in Abilene, people we don't even know, will stop us and want to talk about the accident. Its driving me crazy. I know they all mean well but how am I supposed to function when everywhere we go people want to make me relive the worst day of my life? Sometimes I just feel like going up to the cemetery with a bottle of pills and a big bottle of wine and just join my son in the land of the dead I just hate this! ALL OF IT!
The only thing that ties me here is my three year old and my husband that is also so overcome with grief that he's making himself sick. I feel so trapped in this life that I hate, with no where to run.
The only thing that ties me here is my three year old and my husband that is also so overcome with grief that he's making himself sick. I feel so trapped in this life that I hate, with no where to run.
Replies
Hugging you tightly as you begin your grief journey. I think we could all write a book on the inappropriate things that have been said to us. I know people mean well but they have no clue - unless they have lost a child. Just take each day as it comes and do the very best you can with it. Be happy with anything you can accomplish. I remember the first time I went somewhere by myself after Billy died and when I got home there was a message on the answering machine for him. That about did me in and then when the first piece of mail came in his name...Just do what you can. Men grieve so very differently than we do - it took my husband over 2 years before he really grieved - his worked 12 hour days after Billy died trying to \"run away\" from his grief - didn\'t work. I really can\'t remember how I ever made it through the 1st year but I did. If anyone would have told me I would live 5 years without him I would never have believed that either. All I can say is to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and some how you will make it through. Keep journaling - we do care. Hugs, Ann
No where to run. I remember vividly how I felt this. We kept thinking that if I could go somewhere the grief would not come with me...but it does. You have to go through this. I remember thinking...I would be alright if I died...I would never do anything to hurt myself (because of the rest of the family) but IF I died it would be okay. I do not feel that way now...and one day you will feel differently too. A moment at a time...love to you...Karen
You are so right...it is the worst thing ever and probably everyone has the same thoughts you have somewhere to escape from this horrible pain we are feeling....trying to the why\'s in our own mind with other\'s wanting to know answers too....to much stress placed upon us as we just try to get through the minute you wake and realize...what the truth is...and how to deal with the truth...yes the easy way is a bottle of pills and hope it is over..but is that the true answer we are looking for..no we are looking for our children to be back as before, we are looking for this pain to be a nightmare and we wake up from it...yet each day there it is and we have no ideal what to do with that pain that tears our heart out...makes our minds feel they are going crazy, having thoughts we never thought before...the thing is there is no answer to the why\'s...why we feel the way we do we have lost our son...our son that we spent hours taking care of...our son that we wanted to watch to spread their wings in this world we live in...we are moms...we want to protect our children and now we can\'t, now search for answers...where are the answers...why can\'t the answers come....every mom\'s thoughts ....most of us at times have wanted to take that bottle of pills...to hopfully take us to where our child is...yet also at the same time there is still a piece of our heart that knows we have to somehow someway hold on...as you have another child...the child you wanted...the child that you want to protect....You pain is so real...so hard...so difficult...you have friends here to walk along the path with you, to listen, to cry...to reach out too...these are horrible shoes that we have to put on our feet, but each of us mom\'s here have put them on..not by choice...but we are forced to wear each others shoes of pain and travel this road together....keep reaching out...your not alone...we are there right with you each and every step of the way....Much love your way, Sandi
Sandi, you hit the nail right on the head, everything you said hit home for me, like you\'ve tapped into the daily debate I have with myself. I\'m completely in awe with the amount of insight you, Ann and Karen have into what runs through my heart and my mind every single day. Of course I should not be surprised, considering each of you have been exactly where I am today. It\'s just so hard to picture the tomorrows without my little boy. Jonny tonight, found an old toy that I had bought for Jarrett the day we brought Jarrett home from the hospital, a toy that has Lias around the house for years that I never gave a second thought to, was now so precious, so valuable that I couldn\'t bare the thought of allowing Jon to play with it. It hurt to much TI remember the last time I heard the happy music from that toy, my son was happy and safe in my arms. It\'s so hard.
I can\'t add anything to what has been said.
Just know you are not alone, ever.
LOVE,
Soos
I too remember vividly where you are in this journey. It may help for you to read earlier journals of mothers and know that everything you are feeling is so normal. It\'s hard to grocery shop and see their favorite snacks, it\'s hard to hear music and hear their favorite song. It\'s all so very hard but it\'s like my counselor told me...\"it\'s like waiting all night for the sun to come up.\" It truly is just like that. It seems like an eternity and then one day the sun is on the horizon and you\'ve learned your \"new normal\" and started incorporating old traditions with the new ones and making new memories but always remembering the past and some day the smiles come before the tears. Prayers for peace and comfort in the days ahead and here if you need anything. Love Robin