Friday will mark the third week since we lost our little boy. I still cant even comprehend how he died and the rest of the family was somehow spared. Jarrett was an amazing kid. We had gone through so much in his short life. He had been diagnosed with Autism and ADHD. I worked and fought for years so he could function like any other child his age and to make sure that he was given all the same opportunities. In April he had finally finished his last Behavioral Therapy, and he was excelling beyond even my expectations. He was a A/B student, in a regular 2nd grade class. I was so proud of my big boy. I put so much into that child and just as I was enjoying the fruits of my labor he was taken from me. Five days before the accident he wrote me a letter for Mothers Day,it was so sweet and almost grown up. I framed it and now it seems more like a goodbye letter . This is what he wrote to me :
Dear Mom,
Happy Mother's Day! I love you. I love you so much. I am so happy and lucky that you're my mom. I'm the person that Loves you more than anything in this world.I am sorry for not always being good, I will try harder to be good, I promise. Thank you for being hard on me, I know you do it because you love me so much. Thanks for keeping Jon from hurting me. Thank you for taking care of me. No one does it like you.
Love, Jarrett
The day he died, I came home and framed his letter. What was a usual mothers-day card now seems more precious to me than any other possession in the world. I see all these other mom's who are going through the same horrible loss, and I am just at awe to see them surviving, the amount of strength they must have. I have to push myself out of bed and stop myself from crying. It shouldn't have ended like that for him. I would have gladly taken his place , I would have died for him if I could have. How do you get through this? I know I have another child I still have to raise. My husband is in the Air Force and will have to return to work soon. All of our families routines have changed. No more taking my son to school, no more cub scouts, no more date nights with just Jarrett and me. It seems impossible to imagine never seeing his face, or hearing his sweet voice. Every morning he'd find his way into my bed and force his little body between my husband and I, or we'd all curl up on the couch as a family and watch a movie. How will my family ever be the same again? One moment we were all happy and looking forward to our early summer vacation, and the next our family is forever shattered all because a bunch of kids decided to drink and go joy riding. I feel so defeated, like I failed him because I couldn't protect him.
Dear Mom,
Happy Mother's Day! I love you. I love you so much. I am so happy and lucky that you're my mom. I'm the person that Loves you more than anything in this world.I am sorry for not always being good, I will try harder to be good, I promise. Thank you for being hard on me, I know you do it because you love me so much. Thanks for keeping Jon from hurting me. Thank you for taking care of me. No one does it like you.
Love, Jarrett
The day he died, I came home and framed his letter. What was a usual mothers-day card now seems more precious to me than any other possession in the world. I see all these other mom's who are going through the same horrible loss, and I am just at awe to see them surviving, the amount of strength they must have. I have to push myself out of bed and stop myself from crying. It shouldn't have ended like that for him. I would have gladly taken his place , I would have died for him if I could have. How do you get through this? I know I have another child I still have to raise. My husband is in the Air Force and will have to return to work soon. All of our families routines have changed. No more taking my son to school, no more cub scouts, no more date nights with just Jarrett and me. It seems impossible to imagine never seeing his face, or hearing his sweet voice. Every morning he'd find his way into my bed and force his little body between my husband and I, or we'd all curl up on the couch as a family and watch a movie. How will my family ever be the same again? One moment we were all happy and looking forward to our early summer vacation, and the next our family is forever shattered all because a bunch of kids decided to drink and go joy riding. I feel so defeated, like I failed him because I couldn't protect him.
Replies
I know you can\'t see it right now but that letter Jarrett wrote to you proves you did not fail him. You have loved and protected him since birth and unfortunately you can only do so much. All of your feelings are valid.
Oh new friend, the words you write...I have written. The emotions you feel, I have felt. It is incomprehensible that your precious son is gone. You are stronger than you know. I know you feel it would be okay if you did not live...because I felt that way too. I know that you cannot imagine going on...but you will. There is no choice, your precious family love you and need you. And you are so right your family is not the same now...you will not be the same...but it does not mean that you will not have happiness again. It is different, happiness carries a longing for the one who is missing...but you will have it. Right now you just need to take gentle care of yourself. Make it moment to moment...then hour to hour...and so forth. It is a roller coaster of emotions. Writing journals does help...and knowing that we understand...love to you...Karen
Michelle,
Karen, our friend above is very wise. My son was an adult when he died. It has to be so hard to not keep looking for him, changing schedules etc. I am so sorry you have to go through this. You were a great mom by being his advocate. There are some things that we cannot protect our loved ones from, it is impossible. It does get better but it takes a long time. I too have a poem that my son wrote me and put in a shadow box with sunflowers and grass. It was so funny that Christmas no money to buy Christmas presents. Josh\'s wife hands me the wrapped gift and tells me Josh wrote the poem but she did the decorations. Josh pulled me aside and said that he was the one who did the decorations and the poem. Even though he was an adult, he was so childlike, wanting all the credit. Some day I will share it in my journals. Josh was in the military so I am sure you will identify with it. Please thank your husband for his service to our country and I know spouses too need to be thanked. So thank you. Michelle I\'m sure you will cherish the letter Jarrett wrote you. Let him give you bits of strength and peace during this difficult time. Leda
Oh Hon.... I know life has turned upside down for you. I\'m glad you decided to frame the Mother\'s Day Note he wrote you. Treasure it! They are words from the heart. I know you feel that you worked hard to advocate for him and now it all seems lost. It is not. The note that he wrote for you is worth all the hours of therapy. If not for your hard work...he may never have been able to express is words so eloquently. Unfortunately, life is never going to be the same. You will have an empty spot in your heart. That is o.k. That is the power of the love a mother has for her child. It will take time and you will find away to more forward. Allow yourself to grieve...it is o.k. You have not failed him. You had no idea what was down that road or you would have done everything you could have to keep him from harm. When you have the strength and are able to...being a person that speaks to High School student about drinking and driving would be something I would think about doing. You will be able to put a personal touch on this subject that will make them think twice before getting behind the wheel. I\'m hear for you new friend. Big Hugs!!!
I\'m crying as I read this. I, too, had to go many extra miles for my son. I loved being his mother and I wanted \'everything to be all right\"...
I am here and know how you feel.
LOVE,
Soos
Dear Jarrett letting you know how he feels about his beloved mom. There just can not be anything more precious than this. Your planets have collided and everything that was to be is no longer. It is so devastating and this is so raw and fresh for you. It is the hardest work of a lifetime and I understand with all my heart how much you are missing his sweet voice, his smell, his joys, sorrows, how he was always your little man... Breathing in, breathing out and knowing that everything you are feeling is just as it needs to be. This journey is not linear yet I have discovered it\'s a spiral for me. I go up, come down and hang too in the middle sometimes and can be in any of these places within seconds. Just allow yourself so much grace and wiggle room in this terrible sadness and know that you can say anything here and there is no judgment. We get it and wish that we didn\'t and honestly without the moms a few steps ahead of me shining a light and giving me some hope to hold onto I\'m not sure where I might be today? We are all changed forever and are trying to find our way home to ourselves... who is that woman looking back at me in the mirror? This we all wrestle and struggle with believe me. I\'m with you and you are not alone. I hope you look at that letter as often as you need to and never forget the gift that you are to Jarrett and that he is to you. My heart aches with you and for you. Love, Joanie