WELL.. so let's be honest, I've not been writing in my journal on a regular basis, basically because I'm in denial. I don't want to talk aor think or be around anyone right now. I feel numb!! I don't want to feel....I want to just immerse myself in my bed and not leave. Maureen and I sat yesterday and went through the major items we wanted to split up and wrote them down and then submitted them to an online service that will create the documents for us to file the motion of dissolution of marriage...YEAAAAAA!!!! SHIT!!! Hitting submit on that page was the toughest thing in the world....it became real. I just ned to get this damn house sold...I need to post it on the boards...maybe I'll offer a $5000 reward for anyone who refers someone to me who buys!! Do you think that would motivate anyone......I do!! I am so frusatrated right now. I feel like everything I have done for her over the last 12 years means nothing, all the love I gave her, all the attention, a new house (three times) helping her with family issues, keeping her out of jail when her ex-husband threatened because of back child support, (I took out a $7000 loan for that one), the clothes, the rings, the life I have given her and her kids (they came to live with us 7 years ago as teenagers) I dealt with Amber when she totalled a friends car after sneaking out at 12 midnight, I dealt with her when she got pregnant at 16...especially because Maureen left and stayed with her best friend in Alabama for 3 months. I took as much time off of work as I could when we found out the kids had been molested by their biological father to drive round trip from Tampa, Florida to Mobile and Foley, Alabama many times for sheriff's investigations. I bought her a horse when I REALLY didn't think it was the thing to do at that time in our lives...but it's what she wanted...I bought this ranch with the idea that SHE would run a horse boarding business when we got there and then 6 months later it's still not up and running and she is now out on the road driving truck transporting RV's cross country!!! Meanshile, I;m dealing with an 18 acre horse ranch and 2 teenagers and running a household while working 10-12 hour days and she is home every 6-8 weeks for a week. I have tried to give her EVERYTHING she ever wanted, including love, attention and my being. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! Now as I begin to understand who i am and begin to learn about my bipolar chemical and emotional issues she leaves. I would have thought this is the time to hold on the time to dig in and decide to give it a chance now that I am beginning to understand....but instead she leaves...I just don't understand.....I dont even want to think about anything anymore...what is holding me back??? the dumbest thing...money!! Once my house sells.......it's game on baby!! Need all your prayer people, prayers for me, prayers for my friends, prayers for my house to sell more than anything....pray to St joseph asking him to help find a buyer for my house.....I love you all my friends, thank you for accpeting me as I am...imperfect, frustrated, emotional........see you in my chat!!!
Replies
wow sweetie your dealing with a lot right now and i know it\'s not easy but i want to tell you that i\'m here for you smile..divorce is never easy they say it is the hardest thing next to a death and i know because i went through a horrible divorce several years ago and it just tore me up and took a long time to get over but i met my husband 5 years after the divorce and i am happily married now thanks to god who brought him into my life smile..there is light at the end of the tunnel sweetie your just gonna have to go through that tunnel to get to it and when one door closes another ones opens for us and sometimes the new door is so much better than the old door...i just want you to know i care about what your going through and i will be praying for you sweetie..please remember that i\'m always here for you should you need me..love terri
shadows right...one door closes another opens...you know i\'m here for you...don\'t ever forget that....and with new doors come great things!!!
I wish that I could take some of the pain away. If it helps to know that someone cares, \"I\" do care. :( \"pain\" is my middle name lately. If you need me, just call on my name. :`( OF COURSE, I will pray 4 u.
*Many things about tomorrow I don\'t seem to understand; But I know who holds tomorrow And I know who holds my hand. (Stanphill)
A LOT to deal with right now... :(
I am and will continue to keep praying for you.
You have been through so much- please let me know if you need a friend.
Sorry you have to go through this. The day I signed the divorce papers was the single worst day in my life (to date). I know how hard it is. Keep your chin up.
Many, many prayers are being sent to you ... MANY!!! Teenage girls (Sigh, I remember) are very unpredicable. God bless ... XXXXX
Reading everything you wrote I have to wonder if your wife isn\'t the bipolar one. She seems very impulsive, unable to commit to any one venture... you seem to be the stable force in the kids\' lives and they aren\'t even your kids! I think you will be happier once this is all behind you. Some people take and take and take, and it may not even be something she has control over. But you need to take care of yourself, now. I am thinking about you and hoping your house sells fast so you can get out from under this and start the healing process. I know no break up is totally one person\'s fault, but it seems like you have done a lot of things right, have a lot to be proud of. Just get what you can from that and move on as soon as you can.
yes I too will pray for u.. even tho, I do feel that there\'s a part of you that could relate to my stbx\'s side.. seeing as how I\'m leaving him.. I can see him saying some of that about me! even though from my side, I can honestly say, that I have no regrets because I tried counseling with him for almost 4yrs, and gave him 3 different tries to try and be a husband, instead of a moody roomate.. I felt alone and abandoned, and instead of cheating, I left!!