Today I came across a song my husband wrote and sang at the school I taught in. He was such an entertainer and loved the kids. He was so talented...I've never met anyone as talented in so many areas and I felt so proud to have him as the man I loved and who loved deeply in return. How could he have loved me so much? He said he saw things in me that I'm not sure are even there. He loved that I was tender hearted and that I would help him with his projects. He thought I was creative and he was glad that I appreciated the arts that he so deeply loved. He was everything I ever wanted...kind, funny, artistic, musically talented, creative in everything, passionate, extremely handsome...but he was one thing that in the end took him away from me...bipolar. I hate that disease. I hate what it did to my Billy... changing him from the vibrant man that made me feel so alive to the man who didn't want to die but saw no other way to end his sadness and distress. Today I am slapped in the face with the fact that I will probably never have someone in my life again that will love me like Billy did. I am sitting here with tears trickling down my face as I remember his embrace, his smell, his kisses...I would give anything to have him back in my arms again. I admired him so much...had him on a pedestal because I honestly never knew anyone like him. He was brilliant...extremely well read...could have done anything he set his mind to...yet, he was so sad the last year of our life together. He told me that the only thing he loved and wanted to live for was me. Why couldn't I have done something different to change the outcome?? How could this have happened? I have only even considered letting down the guard to my heart with one other man but knowing the feeling is not reciprocated, I keep from letting myself show much interest, except in the area of friendship, which I hope we will always have...So there I go again. Will Billy be my last love? Will I spend the rest of my life re-living memories...too afraid of rejection to reach out to anyone else that might possibly let me love them...helping to make me whole again as well? Oh Billy, why did you go? I feel so alone and need you here!!! Can you hear me????