blah.

sometimes i hate this time of year. so its cool cuz i love fall/winter. and i love the rain. and its my birthday in november, and i love halloween, and all that stuff. it can be fun. but then its finals at school. talk about being stressed out of your mind. i still have 3 more finals to go, and i have no idea how im gonna make it. im so drained. and ive still got work. and no matter how much i work. im still broke. too broke to even eat honestly. and ive never really had a real christmas, and every christmas is just a reminder that my family is broken. seriosuly, im probably gonna be alone this xmas again! and im not looking forward to that. or if i go somewhere, its probably gonna be somwhere where i wont quite fit in. and ill feel stupid and out of place. i feel no emotion or joy or peace and warmth when lookin at christmas decorations. i just feel numb. and my apartemnt is still cold and empty, no xmas tree or warm feeling for me. new years will be the same. just another lonely winter. i hate lonely winters. this could be the best time of year if i wasnt so freakin lonely and my family wanst so shut off and distant. not to mention that xmas eve is when i was sexually abused when i was 12. and i cant just not think about that. i cant help but remember being 12 and having to maintain composure during the xmas dinner. not knowing what was going on. im gonna request to work on xmas. im too broke to buy any gifts. screw being a broke college student. if i can just make it through finals week, i can at least just work, and sleep and write poetry all day. whilte i listen to my ipod. im soo sick of xmas music. grrr. sorry for rambling and whining. lskadjfl;skdjflsakljfksdfl;kjsdflksldjf oiwfu owieflksd ;liksdf