For those of you reading my journal I am trying to cleanse my mind of all the guilt I have endured over the years and all the issues that caused this guilt. You do not have to read it because it will be lengthy and probably not be concluded in one sitting.GUILT-probably the most powerful word in the English language. I have been in therapy twice in the last nine years. Once when my husband passed away and another while I was living through my mothers cancer symptoms in my home and dealing with it on a day to day basis.My guilt started almost 30 years ago. I was pregnant with my second child and in the second month I started to stain. I was confined to bed until I could see the doctor on Monday. After my appointment he said the baby was fine and he didn't know why I had this happen.After my daughter was born with 10 fingers, toes etc I was elated that nothing had happened during that episode but it was way short lived. When she was 3 months old I noticed that she did not react to sounds the way she should. I took her to the doctor and back then there was no way of testing hearing until the child was 6 months old. I already knew that there was a problem and dreaded the next three months. I took her to a hospital at 6 months of age and my world plummeted. She was severely to profoundly deaf. I was devastated. I never connected heaing loss with speech and was numb when the therapist made the connection. As I was leaving the hospital with my husband and parents, my ex husband made some kind of crude remark and that was the first and last time I ever picked my hand up to another person. I slapped his face, yelled at him and continued to walk to the car. The next phase was to see an ear doctor. He told me she would never speak and that I was going through the stages of mourning which is why I was so upset. He may have been right. I cried, I grieved for the little girl who would never hear a bird sing or hear her toys squeal. I hated putting her hearing aids in every day. I went to 5 different doctors hopiong that all of this was a bad dream, but the reality I was faced with was it was there and it was my fault because she was in me. About 3 weeks passed before I was able to even deal with this. My parents couldn't handle the news so they left and the idiot I was married to did nothing to help me. It was up to me to help this child alone. I did what I needed to do. I was on autopilot.I started therapy for her and the speech therapist offered me the option of teaching her speech first and if she couldn't do it we would then learn sign language. She was a miracle baby. On her first birthday she said mama. I took her for therapy 5 days a week and when I was home I constantly spoke to her. All day. Using one word a day in about 1000 sentences. I carried sucrets in my purse because my throat was always sore. When she was a year old I took her to another therapy session in the afternoon. They wanted her to learn sign language. I told them she can learn sign only if they teach her the speech to go with it. They were old school and felt that deaf children didn't need to speak. This lasted for about 6 months. They were upset that she wouldn't use sign language. She was talking. At two years old I enrolled her in a special education day care for 3 hours a day and still went to the other therapy session 5 times a week. I did this on my own. My ex husband was ashamed of her. He took her hearing aids out when then went shopping or took pictures. He never accepted her for what she was. When she was 2 1/2 I divorced him. I worked with her all day with her therapy lessons and then hired a babysitter so I was able to work a 4-12 shift. One day I met a man who asked me if I wanted a job with the town as a code enforcent officer. Since I had already qualified as a peace officer for the county police department, I took him up on his offer. The job paid more than I was making, but my ex husband cancelled the heating oil delivery for the house and the electric and there was no way I could keep the house. I tried to go back to Brooklyn where my family was but they would not guarantee my daughter the services she was currently getting. Over the 9 months I worked I became good friends with my boss. One day I came to work after crying all day. He asked what was wrong and I told him. He was divorced from his wife and he told me that I could stay there. At first I said no because I was too proud. His mother would come to my house and drop off packages of food saying she found them on the ground and thought I could use it. Our friendship grew over the months and I finally agreed to move in with him. That was the beginning of my second marriage. Six months later we were married and he took care of both my children as if they were his. I felt blessed.That is all I can handle right now. I am trying to cleanse myself and I am still crying.
Replies
And I am crying with you,you are one strong lady and I am so glad you are my friend,You daughter has the perfect mama,God seen to that.
I want so for you to be happy,and know that there are people out here
that know compassion and courage when they see it,this is you jasmine.
love renwood
I to am crying you are a strong lady
Aahhh, Laurie, what a strong pair of shoulders you must have! So much thrown at you, and you did good, you never gave up. But as I re-read your journal, I didn\'t see one thing you have to be guilty of. You took care of your daughter, and stayed strong. God gave her to you knowing you would be the one to keep her safe, and well taken care of. Wipe your tears honey, and be pround of yourself. hugs sandy
But you see.. I carried her... I caused her deafness and this is where the guilt is coming from. I know I did well by her. I basically sacrificed my life for her and tried to keep a balance with my other daughter so she didn\'t feel left out. I fought for her rights in every school she attended because the ADA was just recognizing deafness as a handicap. She has gone to college and has her doctorate. But every time I call her on the phone and she can\'t hear what I say the pain returns.
Look at what you and your daughter have accomplished and be proud. Hold your head up high, smile and say,\"That\'s my daughter!\" Hugs, Cathy
what incredible strength.... you should be so proud of yourself for taking such excellent care of your daughter. I truly believe everything happens for a reason - - and perhaps the burden you and your daughter carried was so you could grow into such an independent, compassionate woman. Look at the example you have left for your daughter to follow.... she will be strong and independent too
MY dear Laurie, I read ALL of it, and my point of view: You are AWSOME!! YOU ROCK! I think that your daughter is soo lucky to have a mother like you. I think that God gave you this little angel because he knew you could take care of her despite all of the obstacles that your life had at that time. Honestly, I don\'t think you have anything to be guilty about, on the contrary, you should be proud. There are a lot of women in this world that would have not done all or nothing at all with a child with all senses, now I won\'t even imagine those same women with a child with out one of the senses. ~~hugs
I love you so much Laurie. And, I read ALL of it, lol. You are very near and dear to me and I will read all of anything you write. I hope that you are feeling better now. love you!
Laurie, what an amazing story! Why on earth do you feel guilty? You have fought tooth and nail for your daughter since she was in the womb, and now she has her PhD? Your story should be on Oprah and you should hold your head up high. I\'m even more proud to be your friend!
Hi Jasmine, I hope you have your listening ears on, because I just read your journal and all of the comments so far. Girl YOU ARE AMAZING! I hope all of the replies you\'ve received have helped push at least some if not all of your guilt aside. I think your journal writing, sharing, and your 20/20 hind sight are going to be wonderful therapy. I also think, we your friends, are so blessed to share and gather strength from your story. God sent you an angel, then sent you as an angel among us. Much love and many hugs, Deb
You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You have everything to be proud of, many would have folded under pressure, you did the opposite. You conquered an evil dragon with slingshot. Your slingshot was your love for your daughter. I was crying while reading the first paragraphs. Now, I\'m smiling and feel comforted. Love is an amazing grace, strength and endurance is a gift. You got an extra dose of the latter, as did your beautiful child. What amazing women you both are, I feel fortunate to have read your post. God bless you and hold you dear. xxoo