Why?

I'm not sure why I feel out of the habit of writing daily.  I think sometimes, no make that I know sometimes, I just get tired of the whole RA mess.  I get tired of not being able to count on my body.  Like this weekend was a good example.  I've been planning for a week to attend my new church's 120 anniversary.  A big pot luck dinner was planned after a special service. I make my baked beans the night before, actually slept in a little and then made brownies.  I knew when I got up there wasn't a joint that didn't hurt.  O.K, I said to myself, I will be O.K. once I eat breakfast and take my meds.  I kept waiting for relief.  I'll be O.K.  I just have to sit in church.  I read the Sunday paper.  I'll be O.K. I kept telling myself as I was falling asleep in the recliner.  I'll be O.K., my mantra for the morning.  Then it hit me, as I was trying to figure out how I could carry two plates of brownies and my baked beans into church without making two trips, I was NOT O.K.  I was NOT going to make it to the lunch.  I was NOT going to make it to the special service that I'd looked forward to for weeks.  And once again I felt like I'd let people down.  I know the service went on without me and like all church potlucks, they had plenty of food.  But it was the fact that once again, something I wanted to do, I mean REALLY wanted to do, I could not.  Like I said, I get tired of the realities of the disease.