Its 4am and I cannot sleep again.  I toss and turn and yet my mind refuses to uncouple from the world and let slumber take hold.  So the coffee is done, and I am sitting here having a cup while I let my mind do it's deed.     Romance is such a crappy game sometimes!  Why must I be compelled to play it with such intensity?  Why can't I be like others, playing the field, leading this one and that one here and there, making wild love with not a care in the world, or promise one.  I sometimes yearn for a careless heart for after divorce, no love is without concern or care.      My first commitment was with wild abandon and full of hope, fear a far off place that barely existed.  But this love, this wonderful love formed in a moment much later in life, comes much more quickly and I cannot stop myself. It has found a strength and depth that runs down into who I am as far as I have ever felt, and it is WONDERFUL. And it worries me, and scares me sometimes.     And so I charge forward, an untethered horse, galloping with full abandon towards a destination I do not fathom.  I talk to her, little messages here and there, a phone call and an embrace. I try to cage fear and put it in a dark corner where it cannot be heard or seen.  But I hear fear laugh knowingly with pessimistic joy and I know that it will be with me for some time.  But I will give my love and if fear's hope finds me and my heart is broken, I will thank God for the time I had with her, flail about for a while and then take a breath.  For love is one food I can never do without.  And it is not a snack to me, but ambrosia that I need as much as breath.