My status has not changed much since my last entry.  I still have some regrets about my lost marriage.  It just seems that somehow we might have figured out something.        STBX wrote me the other day and explained that to her, the old Larry was dead, and had been for a long time.  All that was left in her was the sense of loss and nothing more. How could she love the man that occupied his body, the man she loved did not exist any more.  At least it made it clearer how she felt.      My heart is elsewhere.  Sometimes in quiet moments, I regret the loss, but my North Carolina sweety fills me.  When I say that she has so many qualities I have yearned for, it may sound false to some, but that is the truth.  It is still new, I know, but it sure is good to feel good again.      I will forever be changed by my divorce, that I cannot deny.  Divorce tears a hole in your soul that never really heals.   I suspect  that in many ways, even the death of my parents will not be as deep a wound.  I tend to be bad about idealizing and in my mind, making things better than they really are.  I don't think I ever had what my mind let me believe I had.  It was simply too bad for too long.  I cannot explain why I stayed so long, except I am VERY loyal.  Maybe I was just too lazy, too comfortable.      Dark moonless nights like this put in these retrospective moods. Guess that is just my depression rambling on tonight.     I know one thing beyond all.  I am a lucky man.  All in all, I have a good life.  And I have a woman now that just loves me to all ends.  I love her back.L arry