What a night of roller coaster feelings. Her online thing has just been eating at me. Asking myself why. And not just that but just wondering how the heck I lost her so completely The anger finally boiled out and I started a confrontation. I just could not stop myself. Then after all that, I went to my room and cried uncontrollably for over an hour, went to what to the bedroom (what used to be our bedroom) and cried some more. It just rolled out of me in huge waves. I have never felt such pain ever. After the grief had run its course, we started instant messenging each other. We both agreed that we cannot go on like this, it is affecting us both terribly. Things calmed down some more and I sat on the floor and she sat in her computer chair and we talked. Well really I did most of the talking. We talked about the moment she decided to end the marriage around 20 months or so ago. I had gotten angry at her and shouted that I wanted a divorce. She confessed that she broke down in our family doctors office and cried for over an hour. After that, all the anger and resentment over things she had been hurt by came rushing out All that repressed anger over all these past 31 years came boiling out at once, laying waste to all the love left, until nothing was left except anger and resentment. And that was the point of no return.

It is 3:45am and I have not slept all night I am off to my sisters for the weekend to give her a break and to get myself charged back up.
But I think now I can begin to be civil to her. She has moved on from that indiscretion. I believe her when she says that.

I recall when we seperated in 98. Our passions boiled like never before. Perhaps it is like a therapist suggested. That sometimes, people love each other, but just cannot live together. Maybe some of that might apply to us.
I know that after tonight, I can be more civil and I feel like my anger and resentment are passing out of me. I know that I dearly love her, and I hope that sometime we can be friends again. For now, just being nice to her, and her being nice to me will have to be a start Any trust that she gives me will be in teensy doses and very hard to earn. Maybe it is just wishful thinking, but I think that down inside her, she wants to trust me, but is just too wounded at this time. We will restart as acquaintances to a degree and whatever happens from there will happen.