Update
I am my own worst enemy ...Depression , no self esteem , no self love , and tormented by my own mind teased and taunted with thoughts of suicide.....Sometimes I feel like it is not worth it....Having to humiliate yourself with every one in your life trying to explain why I am this way....I am with my beloved wife , in our home , I have renewed my relationship with my kids, regained the job that I love working for a man I respect and admire and love , But still I have no relief no light at the end of the tunnel....my own mind tells me that I am worthless and all is hopeless....But I say to you ..I am a brave man !....I try again and again and again , to take control and stop these feelings and thoughts...Yet there is no peace...I fear that this will drive away the one thing that means most to me , Tina my sweet,smart, and very hot wife....I fear to tell her just how dark things get . And with this my mind tells me she deserves so much more from life ,not stuck with me . And that compounds more and more until I can hardly look her in the eye . So I do not speak afraid that it will slip out somehow and I will be seen as weak and useless as I feel...I have restored my relationship with my God and opened my heart totally....But there is no relief or comfort.....Maybe I am to leave this world I do not know any more....I only know that what is going on in my head is completely wrong ...I would hurt those who care this I will not do now....My fight continues.........................
Replies
Al, I hope you do open your heart to God cause he is the only one who can help you get thru this, I will keep you in my prayers, I love praying for people and I will, I know sometimes we think he isn\'t around but he is right there wanting for you to reach out to him and he will with open arms, I\'m glad you are with your wife & kids, see, that\'s a miracle right there, God bless & keep you in his care, I hope you let me know how you are doing, Hugs, Shorty
I am so happy so many good things have been restored in your life, what gifts you have been given ..not many can have all they once had, when the time has passed.You never gave up wanting them, and I really was afraid you would not have them again, but you do ! That is a miracle!! But as I have always said..no one can make you happy or feel at peace but YOU..it must come from within.You can be the richest man in the world in all ways possible and yet be the saddest of all men.
I really think it is a culmination of many factors that makes a man go through what you do..childhood events or lack of those events needed ,chemical balance ,Things we have been told through life about ourselves by others until they so saturate us that we ourselves then believe them of ourselves,rejections failures ..things just did not go as planned.All this and more come together and form our identity we place upon ourselves and no one and nothing can break through that belief we have accepted of who we are.So where can we go? What can we do? How do we see what others see ? What makes us worthy? What makes us deserving of good in life ,and of love given to us?How do we internalize good thoughts rather than bad thoughts ?Well first we deal with the chemical inbalance that perhaps exists..and are evaluated and prescribed what is needed .That places us in hope to conquer what has happened to us.Without that there is little to hope for. They must be the RIGHT meds..it may take years to hit upon what is right for YOU ..we are all different what works for one does not always work for another. Then once that is done we must then realize having the right job or the one we love in our lives etc..is not going to \'fix\' us..it is only US that can do it..not even a doctor can or therapist..it must be US.So we take responsibility for US.Next we go back in time and recognize the messages we have been given each and every message throughout life that brought us to where we now find ourselves.We face them we go back to them and when they happen instead of reacting as we DID we imagine ourselves reacting differently..confronting, them challenging them,Standing strong in the face of each one and refusing them!This is a long battle but it can be won. And until we do it we cannot go forward.In pace of a the negatives we imagine a positive outcome instead...we make it our reality. The negatives no longer exist..they never should have happened in the first place and we now as adults refuse them in our lives.Now we adjust the focus on the camera lens as we look at ourselves..we see a different picture..we are strong ,able,amazing! There is NOTHING we cannot do! We know we need no one we just want others..there is a difference in that.We can stand ! We rely on US not others to pick us up..we can do anything! Nothing can stop us when we become determined..lets those feelings try to seep in and they will find a worthy opponent !! We will battle aright! And it is ME who will win EVERY TIME!
love you always..there is no easy answer to this problem..but I believe in you and I KNOW you have a warrior within !
Sue
hang in there allen. do not lose hope. i am sure your wife loves you more than you can imagine. It is the enemy talking when you feel down on yourself. rebuke Satan and don\'t listen to his lies. Turn to the Lord and he will give you peace. Love you! Kathy
call out to Jesus. He is the one who can save you from your torment. Love you friend. Kathy