This was the first Christmas since my mom died i hated. losing my son is up there with my mom. i should be happy i have always loved Christmas my house is always decorate i didn't even put up a tree this year. no lights outside nothing. no snowman. i should be getting ready for my son to come into this world with me but i am not and it sucks. i was going to the gym after i lost the baby. cuz i got it in my head it was my fault. and it was. i dont know if i want to do this again. i told my b/f if we not prego by april i was going to have the bypass done. then we cant have kids for 2 years. i will be 39 by then too old. tom works 2 jobs he is never home. so i sit here all by myself day in and day out. am not depressed but i am getting there.