Tired
Well... I walk six days a week. I need to walk because it helps me mentally and physically. The weather has been nice for me. As soon as the temperature starts to creep up into the 90's I can feel a difference. It seems like my body knows first thing in the morning if the hot is going to be super hot.
I couldn't get myself up to walk this morning. It is mostly self-discipline. The other part is believing I can do it.
I wish I knew how to overcome feelings of despondency. I just plow through them, for the most part. I've tried everything else, but plowing through seems to be about the only way to go for me.
It wasn't overly hot today. I wonder if I have been overdoing it. I walk and then the weather has been nice enough for me to do yard work when I get back from my walks. I have the personality that I do as much as I can when I can. There's all this stuff about pacing and trying to maintain an even keel, so to speak. I HAVE to do what I can when I can. There is this sense of urgency about it.
Some might say that you cannot live your life in fear; meaning, I am afraid that I have to do something NOW since I don't know if I will be able to do it later. That kind of fear seems to be part of the ME/CFS sequence. It simply is...
So, today I am tired. Maybe too much sun, too much doing, too much pushing. I don't know. I never quite know. My chest feels like it is too much work to take in a breath. One of those days...
I know I can come here and say, "I didn't go for a walk today," and people will understand what that means beyond the words. I can tell my family those same words and they don't really understand how different today is for me.
carry on.
I couldn't get myself up to walk this morning. It is mostly self-discipline. The other part is believing I can do it.
I wish I knew how to overcome feelings of despondency. I just plow through them, for the most part. I've tried everything else, but plowing through seems to be about the only way to go for me.
It wasn't overly hot today. I wonder if I have been overdoing it. I walk and then the weather has been nice enough for me to do yard work when I get back from my walks. I have the personality that I do as much as I can when I can. There's all this stuff about pacing and trying to maintain an even keel, so to speak. I HAVE to do what I can when I can. There is this sense of urgency about it.
Some might say that you cannot live your life in fear; meaning, I am afraid that I have to do something NOW since I don't know if I will be able to do it later. That kind of fear seems to be part of the ME/CFS sequence. It simply is...
So, today I am tired. Maybe too much sun, too much doing, too much pushing. I don't know. I never quite know. My chest feels like it is too much work to take in a breath. One of those days...
I know I can come here and say, "I didn't go for a walk today," and people will understand what that means beyond the words. I can tell my family those same words and they don't really understand how different today is for me.
carry on.
Replies
Katy, I KNOW what you are talking about. When I have energy, I just have this urge to use it. It feels good. If I had the energy to sprint, I think I would (at least for 10-15 yards), just for the joy of it. It\'s been a while since I\'ve felt that kind of energy though. Last Xmas due to long lines, I had to sprint about 100 yards through the airport when I heard the last boarding call for my plane. I was thinking \'You really shouldn\'t be doing this!\', but I must have been rested because my body was saying \'This feels @#$ awesome!!\' (Just saying awesome there wouldn\'t have been strong enough. ;) And then (most every day) there is some point that it seems like I can\'t move much, so I just wait for energy to come.
I relate to the despondency part as well. I also try to plow through or find something creative that I enjoy.
Peace,
Brent
I\'m much the same, Katy. I cycle through spells of despondency where I just don\'t care much anymore. I think it\'s the weight of all that we have to deal with, maybe it just wears us down.
I just live for the moment for a while, forget most of my everyday chores, and wait for the discouragement to heal. We are just poor humans trying to cope with something that\'s too big for anyone to handle. It\'s one thing to be sick for weeks, or even months...but years, decades?? Of course we will get despondent, how could it be otherwise?
ME/CFS is a really, really big deal.
Hi Katy..And Brent And Richie! I must say I concur with all of what was said and in some \"misery loves company\" sort of way it is comforting to know that we feel so similar in our paths...I had to look up despondency (I knew the meaning for the most part but wanted to see the actual meaning in the dictionary) and it is a perfect word to chose!
One thing I was talking about yesterday with a friend ( who has her own health issue right now, however, hers is fixable with surgery so there is that light at the end of the tunnel for her and I am happy for her yet jealous or envious I suppose, but she has been living in a wheelchair since Nov so she has understanding of the loss of being able to do what we used to do and so in many ways she is a comfort). Anyway, I told her one of the most difficult things with being the way I am is the inconsistency. I never know how a day will go..or how it will go hour to hour or even minute to minute and that is so difficult to live with. It makes planning impossible. It forces me to cancel a lot of drs appts that really need to go to....it is just so confusing to me.
With energy, let\'s say....some days I have it ( like this morning), other days I can barely keep my eyes open or move. I DO know patterns, like the sprinting you guys speak of or the \"Do what you CAN do WHILE you can urgency!\" I do that too and have learned that usually I have to pay the price for it.
IF I overdo ( which these days means laundry and dishes and maybe cook some food) then i will suffer later.
And the thing is i never know....and I can do the exact same things 2 days in a row...take the same meds, eat the same food, etc etc and the two days will be totally different in how I feel. That is a mystery to me.
I apologize for rambling and probably getting off track..am a little racy today.
I have learned that a lot of the fear and depression comes from the fatigue. I am trying to change how I think or what I do during those times when I am that tired because I know my thinking will take me into some deep dark places and that is scary enough. I am trying to just learn to rest at those times...and listen to what my mind and/or body may be telling me. It is a new way of living yes, and often times when my mind is sharp but my body is not cooperating I still must rest..and those times are frustrating ( to me it seems like what I can only imagine that people like Christopher Reeves had to learn to live with..being paralyzed from the neck down yet still having an active mind...I have a few of his books that he wrote after that happened to him because I am curious to know how he coped). I call those times \"forcible rest\" and that is just what I have to do....
OK, I am sorry, again, I am going on and on and the coffee is really kicking in so I will close this and let you know that I FOR ONE ( and I KNOW there are many more out there) am VERY proud of you and inspired by you and am glad you feel that you can safely come in here and be honest! So with that I am sending you a huge hug and your own words back to you \"CARRY ON!\"
Love and hugs!