Time

Time seems to go faster in the spring.  It seems like every year from about mid-March through May the time just zips by. 
***
I went to the counselor again this week.  Last week there was a man sitting in the waiting area (it's kind of cool because this place doesn't have a receptionist - the counselors do their own appointments, etc.) and I saw a guy that I thought I knew.  I smiled at him like I knew him and he smiled back like he knew me.
***
As I pushed the door open to leave I realized he is one of the local weather men on TV!  His picture is in the newspaper every day by the little box of the weekly forecast.  How funny that I thought he was a friend of mine.
***
This week he came out of my counselor's office as I was standing up to go in and we smiled at each other again.  He is, of course, my close personal friend now.  After all, we share the same counselor.  He's practically a celebrity and I can tell that we have so very much in common.  It feels pretty cool to be a close personal friend of a local weather man. 
***
I get along really well with my counselor.  She's into energy psychology but doesn't push it on her clients.  She even lent me several books to look at over the next couple of weeks about some of the new theories in energy psychology.
***
We have four visits covered by insurance so I only have two left.  I told her I wanted to wait two weeks before coming back so I could get more focused on specific goals I wanted to work on.
***
I realized there is more coming up inside of me that I need to try to address and our sessions go so quickly!  She is the same religious denomination as I am and has been through some of the same kinds of things in terms of not being traditional.  She is a great-grandmother and has a wise perspective on life.
***
I need to take time to sit and write down some of my resentment, anger, frustration, etc.  I think I try to cover everything up in order to keep things "normal" at the risk of losing a part of myself.  I've always tried to be what I thought other people needed me to be.  Even though I am very independent and stubborn I am also compassionate and try to be empathetic. 
***
Part of it is religion, part of it is family of origin, part of it is my own expectations of achievement, part of it is my own personality and character traits.  There are a lot of "parts" that cause different kinds of feelings and resentments.  I think I've always been aware of selfishness and tried not to be selfish.  I'm sure there is  bottled up resentment that I just pushed away because I felt like I was doing the "right" thing.
***
I also need to work on not internalizing everything that happens with my kids.  When the older kids were at home I had the distraction of the younger kids to not take everything so seriously.  Now, I don't have any little kids, or anything (because this illness has taken so much of my social and other kinds of pursuits away) to distract me from making small things bigger.
***
Even though I feel like I am pretty good at allowing them to write their own stories, so to speak, I need to be more relaxed within myself.  The plan for their life is what it needs to be for them, not what I want it to me for me on their behalf.
***
I need to understand how to identify myself.  Women have the journey of multiple transitions just by virtue of their reproductive systems.  Throw in a chronic illness and I'm trying to understand what it is that I can do for myself in terms of identity.
***
I feel like some of the things I've been working on have helped take the edge off of my intensity with this illness.  Trying to reprogram some of my thought process.  I get so much of what is happening intellectually, I just don't FEEL it effectively on an emotional and functioning level.  If I "get it", why can't I live it more enthusiastically?
***
What I like is this counselor is not a cognitive behaviorist, or any specific theory.  She has a lot of training in different areas and can pull out what individual clients need without pushing one particular type of therapy on everybody.  Which is good for me since I know about the different theories and don't agree with some of them in terms of short term improvement.
***
This illness is tough when it comes to making specific goals because I never really know what is reasonable.  There are times when I feel like I can see ahead a little bit, but I have to be careful when it comes to patience.  I have a hard time learning PATIENCE and I am too impatient to wait around for it!
***
Cold and windy.  The forecast for tomorrow is even colder.  Every little bit of sun that pokes through the clouds is magnificent.
***
carry on.
 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

HI Katy! Great post as always! I hope you have a good day today!
RichieD
RichieD

Hmm, impatient, angry...maybe you are not taking into account that the physiological dysfunction caused by our illness typically makes us impatient and angry? That would definitely not be your fault, right?

Just my take on it...I get angry enough to spit, each and every day. Instead of getting morbid and depressed, I get severely ticked off. And I have also found that lots of things can help with that...counseling when I could get it free, meditation, gardening, interacting with my cat friends, etc. I never take things out on them, but I do get cranky at times.

I regret that, but some of it is unavoidable, wouldn\'t you agree? You can\'t be all smiley and full of fun when you feel like ****.
deleted_user
deleted_user

\"I think I try to cover everything up in order to keep things \"normal\" at the risk of losing a part of myself.\"

That\'s an A-HAH moment if ever I read one. No wonder you\'re having trouble with peri.

When I finally let my s-i-l have it via a VERY boundary setting letter, my peri badness abated.

Like Gibbs on NCIS - I don\'t believe in coincidences.

Hugs and Mojo
Weebs