Time and summer is flying by and I am feeling a failure...... I am not accomplishing any of my big items on my to do list.   My garden is over run with weeds, my basement cleanout barely started and the paint for the laundry room is still sitting in the can.  AND I AM NOT PREGNANT.  I have been unable to committ to trying.  As usual  I swing between desparately wanting to at any cost and being afraid.  The "being afraid" is winning.   My last miscarriage was so horrible ( they were all devastating.)  I feel the odds are completely against me, my age, my doctors, my family (parents and siblings).  The overwhelming message is you're 41, forget it.   I've been working out like a mad woman.  I'm getting toned but so far no significant weight loss.......again that "failure" feeling.   I ride my bike 2 or 3 times a week.......today's ride was 62km.  I do a cardio kick class.  I do the treadmill 3 miles twice a week and lift weights.  I am trying to eat less but can't seem to keep the calorie count under 2000 for the day.  So things are frustrating all around.  To add to my guilt I feel I should spend more time with my daughter ......I do spend a lot but it never seems to be enough and of course,  all my "projects" remain undone. Okay this is a pissy entry......I think the long bike ride has done me in today.  I'll go to bed and try again later.