Hello DS friendsI know monthly entries are a little pathetic but I'm still around.   As usual I'm wandering in the hinderland of indecision. .....  sometimes I think it's just time to move on and accept I will only have one child,  other times I am thinking about a pregnancy plan.... what I can do to make it successful.   I am emotional at this time because it was a year ago this week that I found out that the baby I was carrying had died.  It's taking a long time to feel "normal" again..... if that is ever possible.   I still attend the miscarriage, stillbirth support group when I can.  I suppose after a year I should be "healed".  Sometimes I think I attend as a way to make sure I remember the babies I lost.  I also keep searching for some good out of all these miscarriages...... I can truly understand and be there to help comfort other women experiencing this tragedy.  The women in the group keep telling me that despite my words, I am not ready to give up.   One woman who has lost three babes, wondered why I was never put on Clomid....... if my egg quality is the factor, produce more eggs and hopefully there is a better chance of getting a good one.  Even though this is not her problem they do this at the clinic she attends.  I've heard this before and did ask my doctor about a year ago and she said absolutely not......clomid is for those with difficulty conceiving.   I don't know if I want to go down this road.  I've had three referral already and the last one supposedly a world expert on recurrent miscarriage.   Once you are over 40, they don't want to do anything for you because age is directly related to miscarriage.  After 3 referrals I think they think I'm some sort of difficult patient.  As you can guess I'm still pretty frustrated with the medical community.  I still get a dull aching pain in my groin, primarily on my left side.  Initially I was told it was me feeling ovulation, although I never had it before my miscarriages.   Then I when I was pregnant and feeling it, they said it was likely some scar tissue that was aching as my uterus stretched.   When I had my D&C last August they did do laroscopy but said everything was normal looking.   Since this whole idea of a second child has consumed our lives for the past three years,  my husband and I decided to I should go back on the pill and try to forget about it for a while.   Well I'm on the pill and I still get the aching discomfort so it can't be ovulation.   Who knows!   I'm not looking for something to be wrong but what if?????......   So there's my rant.  Winter is dragging on.  Apparently we are getting snow for most of the rest of this week.   I am thinking about my garden which is a long way off yet.   I want my husband to help me build a more sturdy fence to keep the critters out of my garden.   Last year as my cucumbers, pumpkins, watermelons and cantoloupes were just starting to get beyond the sprout stage something came along and ate them all.   I have to start my sunflowers and other seeds indoors because otherwise the chipmunks did up the seeds.  We will definitely have to do something about the chipmunks......we have a small city of them with holes everywhere.   Any suggestions?????