Well I'm back to work and it's crazy as usual.  I know my job causes me a fair amount of stress.  I don't know what strategies to pursue so it doesn't dominate my life.Anyway no word from the last specialist I saw.  They said to call back January 8th.  I did.  She didn't know the results yet from the remaining tests and said she would call me.  So no call.  Those blood tests were taken November 5th.  Since I've been miscarrying, most of the time has been WAITING for this result or this appointment.  I know I'm nothing but a file to them AND they have written me off as too old to put much effort in .......but it still makes me really angry! I am feeling angry and sad today.  Last night as I was finishing up work a co-worker came in saying "Guess who's pregnant?"  and then a group of them stood around me talking.  I still find these conversations hard.  I knew one women I work with was pregnant.  She is 37 and this is her first child.  I'm happy for her .....even though there this sadness inside of me because I don't have my babies.   I found out two other colleagues are pregnant.  Again it's wonderful for them and I am happy for them but you can not help feeling angry and sad because you CAN'T  STAY PREGNANT.    I didn't say anything but one of them is only 2 months.   My experiences have scarred me.  I want to say don't you know it's too dangerous to announce a pregnancy at two months???  The other woman is slightly younger than me.  This is her sixth child.  She has always wanted a big family.   Again I am happy for her and wish her the best ....but that small selfish voice inside me is saying why can't I have just two?  I know that is really terrible of me to think because at least I have one beautiful daughter and I should be most grateful. All the same it brings tears to my eyes and makes me feel a bit bitter about the unfairness in life.  I was also angry to hear my co-workers gossiping about these pregnancies.  None of the pregnant women were present.  They had lots to say about the woman expecting her 6th.  Society is so judgemental.  One was saying something along the lines of "is she nuts?  she's almost 40.... I wouldn't have a baby now."   I held my tongue but I was thinking what's wrong with that?I mentioned to my husband that maybe we should try one more time.  He's dead against it.  He says he would like nothing more than to give our daughter a sibling BUT we have to accept that it's not going to work for us.   I am having a hard time with this ACCEPTANCE thing.  I like to dream that maybe we can have a happy ending to all this tragedy......that somehow a miracle will happen.   You know it doesn't matter how long it's been.  I am fine until I "allow" myself to think about it.... then I am sad and teary.  I think it will be long time before hearing about pregnant women/ seeing pregnant women or seeing new babies doesn't make me feel profoundly sad.