I guess it's time to write a journal.....I didn't realize it has been over a month.  It's a crazy time to year.  I'm not having the best holiday.  My sweet daughter had a flu bug that seemed to drag on and on.  Honestly she'd have a bout of throwing up or diarreah then be fine.  Two days later we'd do it all over again.  She didn't have a fever so we began to worry that maybe it wasn't a bug.  This has been going on since November 17. She complained about a sore tummy.  I finally took her into the doctor (it's hard to get an appointment) and they ruled out her appendix.  All this was in the three weeks leading up to Christmas.   I think it WAS a flu bug now because, joy of joy, I caught it and have been sick all this past week.  I basically missed Christmas.  I was hosting a Christmas day dinner for my parents and brother's family.  Fortunately I made everything ahead of time.  I made my turkey on Christmas eve day.  I woke up sick Christmas morning.  I suppose I should have cancelled but I tryed to soldier on.  My dh was great.  I greeted my guests, from a distance but then just went to bed.  We had our big extended family Christmas on Boxing Day which I missed as well.  What a way to spend the holidays!  I just hope it doesn't drag on for weeks. I'm just starting to eat again.  If I start doing too much, I start to feel sick again.  And now my daughter is sick again....this time with a bad cold and sore ear.  So she's been very clingy and upset......first because she is sick and secondly, because she has missed me when I was sick in bed for four days.  There is a bright side to this.  I'm on holidays so I don't have to worry about work......sometimes I think that's why I'm so sick.  I've allowed myself the down time.  Also it has forced me to have quiet time with my daughter and not be distracted by the busyness of life.  We've been cuddling together watching cartoons and movies (usually Barbie Island Princess), playing games of Snakes and Ladders or playing with Play Dough.   Otherwise I'm sure I'd be trying to get to paperwork I brought home or housework.   The candlelight service I attended in early December was beautiful.  We each received a candle with a tag to write in our baby's names.  There were other women in the group who have lost two babies but I am the only one who lost four.  I suppose I should have grabbed four but I only grabbed two - one for my lost sons and the other for my lost daughters.  We had a chance to say as much or as little as we wanted when we walked up to light our candles.  Of course I choked up.  All I could say is that I was lighting these candles in memory of my lost babies.  I say the names as others did.  Sometimes I think something is wrong with me.   I still cry and really hurt over these losses.  Others seem surprised that this hurt is still "fresh" to me.  When I say this I do not mean women at the candle light service.  They are great...... they say "you've lost four babies in less than two years, you're allowed to greive."  I mean people in my family and a few friends who know of my losses.  They think I should get over it.  Yes life goes on but I will not "get over it".  All I can do is live with it....I am changed.  I will always feel an ache in my heart for my children.  I think that is normal.  There are some that say I am depressed over it.  I don't know.   Anyway I basically cried throughout the candle light service.  It was beautiful just to remember them and honour that they did live once.  They also make available mementos to remember your baby.  I picked out four ornaments for our Christmas tree.  One is a beautiful star. The others are very small knit sets of a baby hat and booties.  I did kind of hide them in the back of the tree so my family didn't freak out.  But it was important for me to know they are there and I am including my children in our Christmas.  It is hard that I have nothing to really remember by children by.  I still have not been successful in getting the ultrasound pictures from my medical file.  I would like one of each of my lost children.......the one where there is a heartbeat.In the back of my mind I am considering trying one last time.  I must be careful because the emotional toil on me, my family and my relationship with my husband is huge.  I keep telling myself it will be ok if I don't get any hopes up and any emotional attachment.  Easy to say, hard to do.   Like I said, today I am just considering it.  I've all but given up on medical advice and help.  I finally called the last specialist just before Christmas.  The test results they do have back are normal and apparently they are waiting for the results of one more.   All unexplained.  So what do you do?  I'm trying to come up with a six month plan.  I am going to go back on the pill and just concentrate on getting healthy, losing weight and strengthening my relationship with my husband.  I am also going to work on handling stress better.  Getting pregnant is not my problem, holding on to the pregnancy is.  Then I will go off the pill and see what happens.  I don't think  I will do the progesterone or daily asperin.  We'll see.   Anyway that's my thoughts today.