Dear DS friends.  Thanks for thinking of me.  It's been so long.  I've been kind of lost without the site for awhile.  I've been super busy at work and then we had some internet problems.  We have switched over to high speed rather than dial up but so for haven't been too impressed.  Something was wrong with one of their towers so we've been without internet for a week.  Believe it or not, but this site is blocked at my work so I haven't been able to check in.I find myself getting rather emotional as my due date approaches.  The baby I lost in April would have been here October 26.  I am surprised how my feelings over this have manifested themselves in other areas of my life.  I've been crying over little things here and there but really this is what is bothering me.  I just feel that I have been sad so long.  I attend a perinatal bereavement group usually twice a month.  Last week they asked the question of what goals we had other than the ones we had lost.  I said I wanted to me again without this cloud of sadness and with some measure of inner peace again.  The facilatator looked at me and said, "You've lost 4 children in two years, you're allowed to be sad.  It will take time.  It took me years."  I know it will take time.  I know my husband comments that he hates seeing me so sad.  It's not like I walk around majorly depressed but there is this quiet sadness.  I know they say you sometimes move through the stages of grief in a spiral.  I think it's true because I am definitely all weepy this month.  I get so upset by the news when it involves children.  There was case in Toronto last week where a man killed his common law wife who was eight months pregnant.  In another case, they were searching for a one month old baby who had been "lost" by her mother who suffered a diabetic coma.  I just get so angry at the unfairness of it all.Okay there's my little rant of feelings that I release in my journals. We have just come off of lovely weekend.  We went as a family to a rather large fall county fair on Saturday.   My little girl is a daredevil.  She was fearless and wanted to go on all the rides.  Fortunately she wasn't tall enough for many of them.  Boy I feel old.  I used to love rides but I definitely felt a little dizzy and disoriened when I accompanied her on a couple.  She was so proud because she did a colour drawing of her family for the Kiddie Korner division and she won third place.  We had a our Thanksgiving this weekend so I hosted the big traditional turkey dinner on Sunday.  I've kind of withdrawn from many events for obvious reasons the last year or so.  I was on the hook to host Christmas less than a month after my first miscarriage.  It was a horrible experience because I was an emotional wreck.  Since I've been shying away from hosting and/or attending , I felt a little obligated to host.  It went off okay.  Anytime the conversation veered to children, I changed the topic.  I am busy planning for my sweet little girl's birthday this Friday.  She will be four.  She asked for a pizza party with her family so that is what we are doing.  I think the guest count is at 15 currently.  She is so excited.  My garden is slowly winding down.  I still have quite a few squash, some beautiful red peppers and a few tomatoes.  My squash came in third at the above mentioned fair.  So much for something I just threw in to try this year!I am scheduled to meet my new doctor on October 29.  I keep saying we will go and just see what he has to say.  We aren't expecting much.  We've had 3 doctors so far who have shrugged their shoulders, said it was unexplained, it happens and they can't do anything for us.  Although it is always on my mind I've kind of stopped preparing myself for a pregnancy so I haven't been taking my vitamins, folic acid and low dose asperin.  Part of me thinks, you were doing any of those when you had a successful pregnancy so maybe they're to blame.  I know that's illogical.  I am annoyed at the waiting.  The referring letter warns that if we get pregnant before "their work up", it will mean they can't not treat us.  So not only are we waiting for our initial appointment, we will have to wait for test results.  I worry about  a lot of things..... including having this decision to try again taken away from me simply by the passage of time.