Well I'm back to work and still trying to adjust back to the pace. I'm busy. Since I am finally feeling better physically, I've been easing back into cycling. I did 60 km on Monday. My average speed needs work but at least I'm doing something! My garden, at least those items that survived the critters in the spring, is doing well. I have tomatoes coming out of my ears. I've done some canning and I've been giving them away to coworkers. It will be time to do some serious soul searching soon. I had my first "regular" period since my miscarriage this week. I am happy to be "back to normal". I will admit sometimes it depresses me. I should be eight months pregnant right now. All the bleeding through May, June and July and now this period is a reminder that I have lost. Of course you cling to hope but then again maybe not for me. I'm reading a book on miscarriage. There is a story of one woman who had eight miscarriages. When she finally did make it past the first trimester, she experienced a stillbirth. What tradegy. In the end she adopted a child and said she's happy being a family of three. This is the story you don't want to think parallels your own. There is another of a woman who had four unexplained miscarriages then went on to have two beautiful children, the last one when she was 44. So part of me wants to hope that maybe my story will turn out the same.... that's there's still hope. Then another voice in my head pops up and says maybe you'll be like the one who had eight miscarriages and finally gave up. Sometimes I'm desperate to try again. I do believe it's worth it. Other times I'm terrified. I honestly don't think I can handle any more. With each one, a part of me dies. I guess I'm being rather melodramatic. I'm trying to regain a balanced perspective. I have to decide if I want to pursue this specialist who will cost big bucks. That appointment is set for the end of October. My husband has said it is my decision but.... he has pointed out what it does to me and the strain it puts on our relationship and family. I know men process things differently. It seems to me he is able to let go of the dream a lot easier than I can.I'm tired. Somehow I have one of those summer colds. So I probably shouldn't think about this now.
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i loved your comment re: atticus finch and would offer a comparison from my profession. sometimes a bit of melodrama is just the thing to flush the nasties out of the wound. if the nasties stay in, it is never going to heal.
LOVED YOUR COMMENT.
i\'m NOT in your shoes. but maybe adopting a kid is less \"giving up\" than \"changing strategy\". hmm. i just know i have an acquaintance (caucasian guy) who has two chinese girls of his own and he and dw appear totally \"normal\" with those children. if you didn\'t see the non-resemblance you\'d never guess that the kids are not blood relatives. my husband has reservations about it, but seeing this family strengthens my faith in the idea that adopting moms are absolutely not different from birthing moms. i would do it in a heartbeat if they said i didn\'t have a chance. (i might do it anyway, except it\'s so darn expnsive!)