Well another disappointing visit to the clinic.  Sorry DS friends.  This will be another one of those venting journals.  Maybe someone can tell me how they coped with similar experiences.  Maybe I'll post another question on the discussion board.  First of all they had three emergencies so I ended up waiting 3 hours.  I don't mind really... I do totally understand.  It was kind of hard though.  One woman was crying and holding her stomach.  She had her family with her.  I overheard the whole thing.  She had started bleeding and cramping and they gave her an ultrasound.  She came out saying everything was o.k. but she was to take a week off work and come in for another ultrasound next week.  I really felt for her because I have been in her shoes.  I'll keep my fingers crossed for her but I couldn't help but think bleeding always spelled disaster for me.   Just witnessing this incident brought up a lot of memories and made me rather emotional.  It was more bad news for me today.  The ultrasound revealed I still have as the doctor says " a piece of placenta or old blood" in my uterus.  I'm angry because this is going on and on.   I've basically been bleeding since April 22.  No wonder I've been feeling lousy and rather negative.   I wish they had did an ultrasound back around June 10 when I had a huge gush which I had hoped was finally the last of stuff in my uterus.  I hate how they treat me like "well this is the way you wanted it".  I told her today I choose the natural route because my first three miscarriages were fairly straight forward.  I didn't have retained "products".  I had assumed/hoped this one would be the same. And they did not want to do a D & C.... they kept pushing the mitsoprostil .  Yes I made the decision to just let nature take its course but in hindsight it was obviously the wrong decision.  I was going on past experience.  I thought well I've been through this three times already so I know what to expect.  Only this miscarriage has been different.   I thought it would be best for my body but now I will I have to go through all the interventions anyway.  I've been instructed to take the mitsoprostil before the operation and then I have a D& C anyway.  I feel depressed and defeated.  I feel like I'm beening punished.  Fate or some greater power is making sure this experince is so terrible I will not even think of trying again. This is four months of precious time.... I should have had three regular cycles by now.  And I don't thind anyone cares at the clinic.... . I'm just a file.  I'm just a statistic I am not one of their "success" stories so they would rather I go away. I feel like the only person trying is me...  I know my doctor had a busy day with three emergencies so I am trying to cut her some slack.  I think the relationship is definitely changed since I asked her for a referral way back on June 6th.  Apparently they made the referral June 12 but I have not heard from this other doctor's office yet.  Super !!! more time waiting while my clock runs out.    I guess I've offended her unintentionally.   She told me point blank that she had run all tests and there was nothing she could offer me.  My miscarriages are unexplained... just try again.   Well I've tryed that approach 4 times.  I think it is time to at least try something else.  She herself said that she will not do experimental treatment but she would refer to someone who would if that was what I wanted.  I still have this surgery scheduled with her yet I feel she is washing her hands of me.  She started to say they would do a straight forward D&C.  I had to remind her that we had discussed laproscopy and uterine camera back on June 6.  She said she would do it then but it wasn't on any of the paperwork I had to sign.  She couldn't deny it.  It was right there in her notes.  So she tore up the prepared work and wrote in the exploratory stuff as well.  It doesn't exactly inspire confidence.  I do think she is very good but she disagrees with me on the course of action.Now I'm wondering if I'm making another bad decision.  Sorry for the venting DS friends.  Today I feel like the fight is over for me.   I'm just beating my head against the wall. I know I'll have a better perspective in the morning (especially if the sun is shining) but that's how I feel tonight.