Well I'm back ...we were at a lakeside cottage for about ten days.  No internet access there so I have a lot of catching up to do.  It was nice to just get away.  I spent a lot of time with my daughter ... building sand castles, exploring the shore and of course the playground.  There will always be those moments where I am reminded of my losses and I think about what might have been.  It's just normal conversation... other parents at the playground just casually asking how many children I have.  I am usually ok with it although I feel a bit of guilt saying "just one" .  I send a silent "sorry" to my four angels.  It's like I'm denying their existence.I'm starting to worry about my exploratory surgery coming up.  Things just aren't right.  It's like I've had a period forever.  I had a huge bleed on June 10 which I assume was finally the rest of the miscarriage.  My doctor and clinic didn't seem too concerned and didn't want me to come in for an ultrasound to confirm things.  I think I've caused a rift in my relationship with them by asking for a referral to another fertility specialist.  After all she told me she can do nothing more for me.  Her advice was just try again and maybe we'll start the progesterone earlier.  I think I'm being fairly reasonable asking for another opinion or a doctor who might do a bit more investigative work.   I did request my medical records and received them just before going on holiday.  They do not contain everything I had hoped for  especially my ultrasound pictures.  It's silly I know but I wanted those pictures of my babies when they were alive with a heartbeat.  I was also surprised by some of doctor's notes on me....things like "patient was emotionally appropriate today".  It's hard to "emotionaless" going throught this stuff.  You know I was the "good girl" never questioning the doctors or their advice through my first three miscarriages.  The minute I started pressing for answers and something more I am labelled as "difficult".  I am angry and frustrated .... I keep trying to impress upon them how important this is for me.   So if that's being "difficult", I guess I am. I don't know what is normal anymore.  After the huge bleed I continued to have slight discharges of blood for the rest of June.  Then when we left for holidays I got what I presume to be my "normal period".  Before this last miscarriage my periods lasted 3 to 5 days.  Well ten days later I still have this one.  So things are obviously not back to normal.  I'm getting really tired of wearing pads..... come on already, it's been almost three months straight.  I shouldn't have to carry on complaining and begging for my doctor to do something about this.  I have an appointment for this Thursday so we'll see if she thinks my concerns are valid.  She is probably just waiting for the surgery to check things out.   Wow.... I'm venting again.  I seem to use this forum for that purpose.  There are other dimensions to my life.  My garden is doing well although we desperately need rain... watering it just isn't the same.  I'm about to embark on some home improvement projects.  First up is cleaning up the basement and doing a purge of a lot of stuff in storage.  I'm a bit of a pack rat keeping things just in case I might need them or for sentimental reasons.   I will not being getting rid of my baby things... I can't bear to do that yet.  I'm still holding out hope.