Life is sometimes too busy. I haven't been able to write and check in on friends on this site for a week or so. I'm on holidays finally. I am tired, relieved and grateful. In some ways I feel like now I can fully deal with my emotions over losing this last baby. I didn't want to think about it fully since it would affect how I function at work. I sort of put my feelings on ice. Maybe I'm just having one of those days. Call it feeling sorry for myself or missing what I've lost.On Friday we had a staff get together which made me kind of sad. There were gift presentations for four expecting babies any day now. So the chaplin is saying "let us thank God for this gift of new life". And in my head I'm thinking I did have new life too. I should be six months pregnant now. Then the next prayer was for people who lost loved ones and certain names were mentioned. And in my head I'm thinking I've lost four children but no one hear knows or recognizes the loss. In our society miscarriage is so taboo and not really talked about or acknowledged. I don't know why people who haven't experienced miscarriage don't understand why we're sad. I didn't want my name mentioned .... I'm just recalling what was on my mind while this was going on around me. I teared up a little but didn't lose it. I know it's just certain people but when I cried last June over my three miscarriages I had a coworker actually say "Aren't you over that by now?" Hmmmm in June of 2006, I miscarried my third baby on May 19th, 2006. Gee.... I guess I should've been "over it". She was one of the few I confided in and this was the response I got so I guess it's made me "once bitten, twice shy". I was much more quiet about my fourth loss.I'm reading a book which has some interesting ways of looking at grief. It compares a loss in our life to a large beautiful tree in our backyard that has been cut down. The stump remains and becomes part of your landscape. You plant flowers and shrubs around it and the appearance is less stark but the stump remains. It's kind of helping me understand.Wow... this is rather a depressing entry. I better get my morning coffee and try again. Besides I have a sweet three year old calling for me.
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you make me smile. i wanted to tell you that i am exactly the same about telling people of our difficulties and losses. but i found it kind of liberating when i wrote a note this morning to the mother of a friend who is throwing her a baby shower. i went ahead and told her in the note why i was declining to attend the shower and sent a gift card instead. i would not want most of the people i see in life to know this fact about me, but writing this note made me feel a little less like i have something to be ashamed of. like \"here\'s the deal, i can\'t come because it would be a monumental task; in addition, it\'s completely natural and legitimate for a person in my situation to feel this way.\" so there. not someone i have to face on a daily or weekly basis though.
best wishes for your holiday, and enjoy that little girl. i sometimes think that i ought to take a photo of mine to my doctor and say look- this is why i can not quit.