Finally feeling a little less dark. Friday was rough with just too many people inadvertently asking me about children. E.g. "Do you only have one?" "I though you and Pat were going to alternate maternity leaves." etc.... Came home looking for a shoulder to cry on but didn't find one. My husband just said "you're going to have to get used of people talking about babies." So we had a "no talking" zone for 24 hours. Then we had a heart felt talk. He said he didn't know what to do or how to help me. He said it was hard to watch me in such sadness, that there wasn't much laughter in me anymore. I told him that every so often the "straws" just build up and I need to cry and home is supposed to be my safe place to cry. I think I've been a little withdrawn in a shell of pain and sadness ... so it felt like we were reconnecting. We need each other more than ever.
On the physical side I'm still bleeding. I thought things were drying up. Then yesterday when I'm out shopping at a gardening place with my daughter, I stood up and felt a gush. Great... it soaked the pad and was leaking through my pants. Then as I'm trying to pay and get out of there, I ran into people I know who wanted to talk. I was strategically holding my shopping bag. As we're getting in the van, my daughter told me she could see blood on my bum. Great..oh to be female.
On the physical side I'm still bleeding. I thought things were drying up. Then yesterday when I'm out shopping at a gardening place with my daughter, I stood up and felt a gush. Great... it soaked the pad and was leaking through my pants. Then as I'm trying to pay and get out of there, I ran into people I know who wanted to talk. I was strategically holding my shopping bag. As we're getting in the van, my daughter told me she could see blood on my bum. Great..oh to be female.
Replies
at least you can have a little sense of humor about this. the same thing nearly happened to me last week, but i am really rather paranoid and been wearing a LOT of black and dark gray pants.
i feel as you do about emotions and home. when i am \"out\" (and that means with anyone except my trusted hubby) i need to be polite, reserved, in control of my sometimes hideous emotions. whenever anyone asks me how i am doing, it\'s greeted with a realistic smile and a genuine-seeming \"good! what about you?\" if i EVER talk about miscarriage it\'s because i couldn\'t avoid it and that\'s done in a very dishonest manner i.e., flippantly, and i am (i think) often smiling slightly while i talk. this seems to put people more at ease with the topic and perhaps that\'s because it saves them the discomfort of feeling they stepped into sensitive territory. i think i appear actually unharmed by discussion of new pregnancies and new babies, which is quite an acting job for someone who has a GREAT deal of difficulty lying about anything. all that takes a lot of work. those little insults of seeing and hearing babies and having to put on a face about my losses don\'t just disappear: they have to come out somehow and hopefully at a safe and secure time.
my husband has a similar response to yours: \"well it makes me feel so bad and helpless to see you like that.\" one time he saw me watching a movie with my little bear and i laughed. he told me how long it had been since he saw me smile at all, and that made me sad too. i think he now understands that i need to release these feelings somewhere and home is the safest place, but i see too that it\'s unpleasant for him so i try to get some relief from the web site instead of him when i can. sometimes i think it must be really hard for them and just difficult for us to comprehend, but other times i wonder if they\'re just being a little insensitive and selfish because they are more peripherally involved and not actually carrying the baby.
a bit of each, i suppose.