I don't know if I change the calendar from April to May with regret or relief. It was definitely one of the worst months of my life. It began with such hope and promise...we were 8 weeks pregnant, I was sick as a dog, we had a fetal heart beat, I finally had a doctor who was seeing me every week, I was taking progesterone. I really hoped with spring we too would experience rebirth - new life.
I feel like I've been through a war or battle...I'm alive but all the suffering was for naught. I've lost. I'm shell shocked. Miscarriage doesn't get easier the more you have. I feel like I've been knocked down even lower than before. I keep trying to make sense of it all but there are no reasons.
I suppose I should be somewhat grateful.. it happened at home, I didn't need the D& c. I'm not sure but I think the progesterone made this miscarriage the bloodiest. I couldn't keep up ....
Right now I'm just trying to keep functioning...pretending everything is normal. Yet I am so sad...I know my hormones are all out of whack. Hardly no one knew about this pregnancy.
So here's my confession - I've burried all of my miscarried babies. I'm scared to let others know that - am I out of my mind? I wonder if I am strange or if other women have felt the same. I know it called "fetal tissue" or "products of conception" but to me it is a very real, much wanted, much loved baby. I didn't want my babies flushed away or in the hospital incinerator. In my quest to find out why, I have requested the last two times that the "tissue" be tested. Both times I was told it wouldn't be useful. So waiting for this natural miscarriage did allow me to bury this baby.
I do have a lovely spot. It's sort of a rock garden flower bed with a white birch tree in the centre. I've marked the spots with some sleeping cherub angels. There is a stone gardent bench near by. It is my crying spot and my reflecion spot.
I feel like I've been through a war or battle...I'm alive but all the suffering was for naught. I've lost. I'm shell shocked. Miscarriage doesn't get easier the more you have. I feel like I've been knocked down even lower than before. I keep trying to make sense of it all but there are no reasons.
I suppose I should be somewhat grateful.. it happened at home, I didn't need the D& c. I'm not sure but I think the progesterone made this miscarriage the bloodiest. I couldn't keep up ....
Right now I'm just trying to keep functioning...pretending everything is normal. Yet I am so sad...I know my hormones are all out of whack. Hardly no one knew about this pregnancy.
So here's my confession - I've burried all of my miscarried babies. I'm scared to let others know that - am I out of my mind? I wonder if I am strange or if other women have felt the same. I know it called "fetal tissue" or "products of conception" but to me it is a very real, much wanted, much loved baby. I didn't want my babies flushed away or in the hospital incinerator. In my quest to find out why, I have requested the last two times that the "tissue" be tested. Both times I was told it wouldn't be useful. So waiting for this natural miscarriage did allow me to bury this baby.
I do have a lovely spot. It's sort of a rock garden flower bed with a white birch tree in the centre. I've marked the spots with some sleeping cherub angels. There is a stone gardent bench near by. It is my crying spot and my reflecion spot.
Replies
it\'s so hard to carry the grief on your own, but there are so few people out there who are willing/able to share the load. you think to yourself, they didn\'t even know i was pregnant, now am i going to tell them i was and now i\'m not? i think the reason it\'s not getting easier each time is that we think each time we\'ve finally paid our dues. there\'s just no way i should or could have another miscarriage. you get your hopes up with this magical thinking and then it hurts terribly to have them crushed. i love the idea of the garden. i\'m very conflicted over what i would have wished for the bodies had i a choice about the matter. i guess i\'m sort of glad i never had to choose between something undesirable and something else undesirable, since it was always out of my hands. it\'s nice you have this peaceful little spot for collecting yourself.