I can't stop crying tonight. I've been walking around holding myself very rigid trying to keep it together. But I feel very fragile - it doesn't take much to make me fall apart. Yesterday I had a colleague show my a whack of pictures of her new granddaughter born on Easter Sunday. I am truly happy for her and I know she doesn't know about my miscarriage but it made me so sad. Today I gave another colleague a ride ( a male again who doesn't know about my miscarriages). He questioned if I only had one child and why. He started talking about demographic trends and women have 1.2 children. It was very hard. Without erupting into tears, I just said we would dearly love to have more children. Then he made a joke..."have you tried sex?" I know in no way was he trying to be deliberately hurtful - he just doesn't know. It just is like salt on a wound. Then I saw a baby tonight at a school play I attended.... I found my eyes kept going over to the baby. So I guess that's enough to get me crying tonight. I am so sad for my lost children that never had a chance. It is so hard to let go of your dream of having a child.
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now, i know you\'re talking some crazy talk here about giving up. you\'re starting to sound like me. \"let go of your dream\"? you don\'t mean that, do you?
i wish there was something i could do to make it easier right now. but this is just a down day and you will need to wait a day or two for a better one. just like everything else in the world, they go in cycles.
it sounds like maybe you were hurt not by what these people said, but how they said it. the grandmother was probably so happy, and you thought i\'ll never be happy again. the guy and his joke, he probably thought he would make you laugh. and all you can think is how far you are from joke world right now. we tend to see everything through dark glasses on our down days and this won\'t get much better until we take them off. unfortunately, it\'s not that easy!
sometimes i think i am past this stage of pain when least expecting it, but then it strikes again out of the blue. a better day is coming, i guarantee that. (i just don\'t know if you might be too busy that day to write in your journal...) :)
p.s. i also think it has a healing effect to sometimes just cry and cry and cry until you think you can\'t anymore. every so often, you just need to let \'er rip!