8mnths 19days - pain is still so fresh
Why can I be so strong one day and so weak, in a ball violently shaking - tears streaming down my cheeks - can't catch my breathe, the next day?
I have that love hate relationship going right now.
One day I love him, miss him, want him, cry for him and then I get over it and hate him for hurting me, degrading me, ruining my self esteem, ruining our family, (oh and cheating on me).
Why can't I let go?
Why do I still want this man who abused me - verbally/emotionally?
Why do I care what he thinks?
How can he reel me back in with just one look?
His beautiful Hazel eyes, my focal point during my labor.
Those eyes I looked into for comfort when I was scared.
Those eyes that said "everything will be ok".
Those eyes that sparkled when he looked at me.
Those eyes that at one time said "I love you".
Those eyes that shot me the death look when he disapproved.
Those eyes that said "how f'ing dare you" and scared me.
I was doing so well until he called last week and asked me to sign the truck over so he could buy a new one. This was actually a good thing, we were upside down with the loan and by signing, I would no longer be financially responsible. I saw him 3 days in a row. We talked like we were human beings again. I made this an opportunity to tell him just exactly what I thought about his his girlfriend and how she has been stalking me (I have witnesses). I asked him if he really thought she was a good role model for our daughter, his reply was "no". So I stated that I would prefer that they she never be alone with our daughter. He actually agreed, as long as that was what our daughter wanted. Things were okay. I cried for three days straight.
Our daughter had been on vacation with her best friend, she returned Saturday. On Sunday, my husband came and took her for a ride in his new truck. While he was waiting for her, he informed me that he was fired from his job the day before I signed off of the truck. So now where does that leave me? We still have not gone to court for child support, by the end of the month our daughter will no longer have health insurance and I'm freaking scared. I am struggling unable to keep my head above water. I litterally have $20 for food to last me til the end of the month and a growing teenage daughter. Social Services will not help because I make too much. How am I gonna survive this?
I want to look in those eyes that use to comfort me and I can't. I want him to hold me and say everything will be ok, but I can't. I want him to freaking want me, but he doesn't.
Oh boy, I think I'm drowning again.
God please help me. I really don't know how much more I can take of this. The pain is still so fresh, just like it was yesterday. Please give me the strength to get thru this turmoil. Please show me a light ahead. Let me know, I will survive.
I have that love hate relationship going right now.
One day I love him, miss him, want him, cry for him and then I get over it and hate him for hurting me, degrading me, ruining my self esteem, ruining our family, (oh and cheating on me).
Why can't I let go?
Why do I still want this man who abused me - verbally/emotionally?
Why do I care what he thinks?
How can he reel me back in with just one look?
His beautiful Hazel eyes, my focal point during my labor.
Those eyes I looked into for comfort when I was scared.
Those eyes that said "everything will be ok".
Those eyes that sparkled when he looked at me.
Those eyes that at one time said "I love you".
Those eyes that shot me the death look when he disapproved.
Those eyes that said "how f'ing dare you" and scared me.
I was doing so well until he called last week and asked me to sign the truck over so he could buy a new one. This was actually a good thing, we were upside down with the loan and by signing, I would no longer be financially responsible. I saw him 3 days in a row. We talked like we were human beings again. I made this an opportunity to tell him just exactly what I thought about his his girlfriend and how she has been stalking me (I have witnesses). I asked him if he really thought she was a good role model for our daughter, his reply was "no". So I stated that I would prefer that they she never be alone with our daughter. He actually agreed, as long as that was what our daughter wanted. Things were okay. I cried for three days straight.
Our daughter had been on vacation with her best friend, she returned Saturday. On Sunday, my husband came and took her for a ride in his new truck. While he was waiting for her, he informed me that he was fired from his job the day before I signed off of the truck. So now where does that leave me? We still have not gone to court for child support, by the end of the month our daughter will no longer have health insurance and I'm freaking scared. I am struggling unable to keep my head above water. I litterally have $20 for food to last me til the end of the month and a growing teenage daughter. Social Services will not help because I make too much. How am I gonna survive this?
I want to look in those eyes that use to comfort me and I can't. I want him to hold me and say everything will be ok, but I can't. I want him to freaking want me, but he doesn't.
Oh boy, I think I'm drowning again.
God please help me. I really don't know how much more I can take of this. The pain is still so fresh, just like it was yesterday. Please give me the strength to get thru this turmoil. Please show me a light ahead. Let me know, I will survive.
Replies
ok, take a deep breath. The money situation is bad, not gonna lie, and I have BEEN there. You answers are within your own journal entry. He abused you. Unfortunately, the emotional abuse we endured is what keeps us in the loop that we are (or in my case, were) in. No matter WHAT situation you find yourself in you do NOT deserve to be controlled or abused. I swear I think that sometimes they are just nice enough to keep us under their nasty spell. You are going to be better off. It is a rough road but one that will make you stronger in the end, it is just a matter of can you keep that in your sights? Yes, you can. Keep turning here for support and release and put one foot in front of the other each day.
My kids remind me when I get like this of exactly how far I have come. That yes, it is normal to be sad and that is ok, but that they can see how far I have come and of the progress that I have made. It has made them have so much respect for me and that is worth all of the pain I have endured.
Wishing you peace and comfort!
I\'m so sorry that everything is happening all at once. Its hard enough overcoming an abusive relationship without money troubles and worries over medical insurance. (many hugs)
You can do it I know you can! Keep pushing your one step closer! I know what your going through I am facing a break up due to cheating AND at the same time I lost my job, my car and a few friends along the way.. But you know what? We have what\'s most important: we have God! He watches over us and despite how much hurt men can do to us, GOd will never abandon us! He is loyal to us please be brave ask GOd for strength and courage and he will provide! I am going through the sme thing as you are where the person we loved the most leaves and betrays us when we lost everything else! But you don\'t have to face this alone! We are all here with you! I will be praying for you!