My appt on Wednesday went great. We heard the heartbeat and the hematoma is almost completely gone. I am so relieved and happy, yet am still scared to death. I am actually kind of planning what to do if I lose this one too. I had a breakdown this evening over James, and then I felt worse because I have to be happy for this baby. I know it's been 10 months but I will never stop grieving for my son. I have to find a way to enjoy this little one and miss my son at the same time. Trying to be positive but I just don't think I can right now. I am blessed with this pregnancy and all I can think about are bad things. I pray many times a day that I can keep this one on earth and then I think is that selfish, why shouldn't this little one be with their big brother? Ugh this is too much. I am not a strong person, I have to put this in God's hands or I am going to go crazy. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Replies
I\'m so glad to hear everything looks good with your rainbow - I can only imagine the wide array of emotions you have right now - but I truly think you are a strong woman!!! Don\'t convince yourself otherwise, you are here and you face each day with a new set of emotions and challenges, you are doing good!!! And all that takes A LOT of will, and strength. I\'m very proud of you for being where you are, and I wish nothing but the best. Keep us posted, I\'m so excited!!!
Sorry for the cornyness :)
Diane
After losses, we are all way too scared to imagine miracles are possible, so we get accustomed to expecting bad news. You just have to take it one day at a time, and accept that a lot of your emotions are going to be all over the place, but that they are all completely normal and part of the coping process.
I\'m so happy for you! I\'m sure you will find ways to include James into all parts of your life, always. I\'m sure that James sent you this rainbow and wants you to be able to keep him/her here on earth. Take one day at a time and maybe join one of the pregnancy after loss groups either here or on facebook. Here anytime you need to talk!
Andrea
Here is something that has helped me be more \"present\" for this rainbow pregnancy when my fears and worries want to prevent me from enjoying this little girl:
Does putting my hand in a fire in anyway \"prepare\" me for my house burning down? Does it get my body \"used\" to what it feels like to burn so that I can be prepared if, by some chance, my house burns to the ground? No, of course not. All it does is burn my hand. It doesn\'t prepare me for the tragedy of being stuck inside a burning house.
What we have lived through has wired our brains to think nothing but the worst, but in all honesty, are we any more prepared this time to lose another child? Speaking only for myself--no, I am not prepared, despite the death of my daughter, to lose another child. While my mind wants to imagine the worst (because it doesn\'t take much effort to do so) nothing will prepare me for the death of this baby. Putting my hand in that flame will not prepare for being trapped in a fire and letting my mind go down that dark and scary road won\'t prepare me or protect me from another baby\'s death.
I try to remember all of this when my mind starts going to that dark place. I\'m working hard at attaching and bonding to this baby because she deserves it, even though it is incredibly difficult for me to do so. I didn\'t really get to this place until around 24 weeks. I spent the first half of this pregnancy in complete denial, and obsessing over the \"what ifs.\"
Just know that you\'re not alone in your thoughts. I feel that I\'ve lived your words myself. I share my coping strategy only as something that has worked for me, but I didn\'t come at it easily or overnight.
Be patient with yourself and congrats on having a good appointment!
Hugs,
Kelsey
Of course you are scared and you are going to think badly sometimes. This little one is not a little magic happy pill. Sure it helps a lot. But u know that you can\'t hold all of this inside either cuz that is not good for you or your new baby. Its gonna be a long emotional road but we are here for you. Just cuz your pregnant doesn\'t mean you can\'t still be sad about James. Your human and strong so youll make it through this. Hugs and prayers Lindsay
I took me probably 3 months into my pregnancy after Sean died to actually feel some kind of joy about being pregnant again. I really had to learn faith over fear. I still have to try really hard but I love this new baby like crazy. He is 3 months old already. Your fears will never go away but they will ease with time. Praying for you and your baby. Big hugs!
I\'m so happy everything is going good with the pregnancy. It is so very hard to not think the worse. I went through most of my pregnancy just waiting for the floor to drop. It sure was nice before when I didnt know all that could go wrong or having that \"it cant happen to me\" mentality. I assure you it will get better but there will be good and bad days. I think the hardest part was feeling like I was betraying Elijah when I was happy about the pregnancy then feeling like I was betraying the baby when I scared and focusing on that. It took me until I actually had my rainbow before my emotions evened out and things started looking more positive, or at least my perception of things was more positive.
((HUGS)) and lots of prayers and positive thoughts your way :)
Oh friend! I understand your feelings well!! I am only 4 weeks and I have so many worries in my head. I am trying to do meditation and deep breathing to try to take some of the anxiety and PRAYING, PRAYING, PRAYING!!
You will be in my thoughts and prayers and I have faith that God can see us through this!
Hang in there. HUGS!!!!!