My appt on Wednesday went great.  We heard the heartbeat and the hematoma is almost completely gone.  I am so relieved and happy, yet am still scared to death.  I am actually kind of planning what to do if I lose this one too.  I had a breakdown this evening over James, and then I felt worse because I have to be happy for this baby.  I know it's been 10 months but I will never stop grieving for my son.  I have to find a way to enjoy this little one and miss my son at the same time.  Trying to be positive but I just don't think I can right now.  I am blessed with this pregnancy and all I can think about are bad things. I pray many times a day that I can keep this one on earth and then I think is that selfish, why shouldn't this little one be with their big brother?  Ugh this is too much.  I am not a strong person, I have to put this in God's hands or I am going to go crazy.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.