Bad Day

I am not doing good today.  13 weeks ago I found out my son was not going to be making me laugh and smile, this little guy would not be joining us and fulfilling our lives.  My appt was at 1pm so 13wks less one hour ago, I was probably in the waiting room.  Naively waiting for my ultrasound, not knowing anything could go wrong when you are 39 weeks and 6 days pregnant.  That was the last moments of peace in my life, in that waiting room.  I yearn for my life before this happened.  Life must have been so great, there was no dead baby.  Yet it's hard for me to remember who I was for those whole 33 years.  I don't remember what it's like to be totally happy and I never will experience it again until hopefully I meet my son in heaven.  I'm feeling sorry for myself and why did this have to happen.  Then I feel guilty because others have it much worse.   I've got a great husband and family.  I just want my son back.  I feel like falling apart, falling to the ground and begging God for him back.  I was so close.  I could have had him a few days early, I could have asked for a csection at 39 weeks.  My baby would be here and I would not know this terrible pain.  But this happened and I don't know why.  My pregnancy was very easy, no complications.  Since we waited 3.5 years and did ivf I thought nothing else could go wrong, we already were through infertility.  Most people have sex and get a baby 9 mos later.  Not me, everything has to be extra hard for me.  Something swooped in and took my son at the last possible moment.  Like you can only have him for 9 mos, but you can't actually raise him.  My heart is with my James in heaven.  Thanks for listening, I love all of you that get me through these bad times.