Recently I saw the movie "Freedom Writers." It is based on a true story about a naive new teacher who gets assigned to a freshman class of newly integrated inner-city kids during the LA riots. The story is about how she gives these kids a reason to hope and to live. The movie is also about this teacher's marriage to a man who has underachieved his potential but is comfortable with this. The teacher wants to follow her dreams. In the end, her husband leaves her, citing: "I can't be your wife." It speaks to the men in this society, including my husband, who can not handle their wives succeeding. My husband can't handle me doing better than him (in his perception). My education can not exceed his and I musn't be too successful in any of my endeavors. Therefore, he downplays my accomplishments and sabotages my hopes and dreams. I'm a very passionate person with a lot of intelligence and potential. He's tried very hard to "cure" me of those attributes though :-(. It is hard to keep my self-esteem up in this environment. I always said if he got to me this way I would leave; but that was before I had a disabled child.

Still I hope and dream for the day when I can leave. I have the education I need to get a decent job. I have the skills and the drive to raise two kids on my own. The problem is that my younger son needs in-home therapy and right now I need my husband to work fulltime so that I can stay home with my son and provide him that. I am hoping in a few years the situation will change and I will be able to leave though. Either my son will get better and be able to go to school, or he won't get any better, and then it won't matter if I go back to work fulltime. The gray area is if he gets somewhat better and the therapy is working and then I will still feel stuck here as I do now.

Ugh.