Is it over yet? This week has been busy. My husband professed his undying devotion and love and wanted to make our marriage better. I just nodded my head and checked the clock. I gave it 8 hours. Sure enough, first thing in the morning, we were fighting. He doesn't like *me*. He doesn't like anything about me. He doesn't value or respect or appreciate me. I'm never good enough. I finally told him this, that he doesn't like what is inherently me and I can only be me. I can't be anyone else. This, too, he used against me saying that it was a convenient excuse to justify and validate my behavior. I can't win. It's not even a matter of winning. When I came into this marriage, I was a different person. My needs were different. He was the perfect match for me then. But things change. *I* changed. He didn't. He is still the same, but now I've grown and matured and I could never love this man now. That is the problem. I am not who I was then and we are no longer compatible.

I had a good day today. A friend was over with her kids and when she left, things went to hell. He changed from "friendly for company's eyes" to himself again. Gone was the happy, go lucky, teasing-with-guests man to unhappy-unsatisfied-and-unsatisfiable husband.

He won't put the kids to bed, as that isn't "his" job. So, the normal routine is that I put the younger one in bed and then the older one. But he let the younger one nap all day, so of course the younger one wouldn't go to bed. So I put the older one to bed. This is the only special time that the older one gets, special one-on-one mommy time, since otherwise most of the day revolves around our special needs child. He wouldn't even give me this time. He came in and told me to hurry up reading my son his bedtime stories because he didn't want to be bothered by the younger child. He let the younger child in several times which upset the whole bedtime routine. I told him, over and over, that this was the only time our older son got my full, undivided attention, and that he had a right to his special mommy time. Of course my husband could have cared less about this, he only wanted his own needs met-i.e., not having to watch the kids. I said "I'm doing the best I can." But he doesn't care about that. He only cares about himself. So much for a good day.

I wish I could not let these things affect me. I wish I could just let them roll right off of me. I wish I could not be so sensitive.

Monday he will go back to work, the vacation will be over, and we will likely return to status quo. I am reminded of what a good friend of mine said to me: "How will you get through the next three years in that marriage and manage to save both your child and your sanity?" I wish I knew that too.