I am soooo angry at him. I wrote before, but the venom is still in my system. I married an asshole. Ugh. He wasn't always this way before we had kids. He always said that when he had kids, he wouldn't change, he wouldn't let them rule or dictate his life. I thought, "yeah, right." Well, amazingly enough, he's stuck to that. Which means I've had to change my life entirely with no help from him. I call myself a single mother with a husband. He pays the bills. That's what he does. I should be thankful for that. I'm not. I resent the hell out of him.

It is ironic that if my kids were seriously injured or worse during my absence that I would leave him in a heartbeat. I would NEVER forgive him. And yet, I put my children at risk by leaving them with him. If anything did happen, what good would divorce be then? I would forever regret my cowardice in not leaving him sooner, regardless of the reason that I stay--for now at least. My child is disabled, I need my husband's financial support to give him the best I can. I don't know though. In a couple of years, if I'm lucky, both kids will be in school (if the younger one ever can to go school) and then there is no reason to stay. Other than that he says he will kill me if I leave. Isn't that lovely?

It is hard to deal with this side of abuse. There are no outward signs, no marks of abuse. It's all on the inside. I wish often that he would just give me a big old black eye, just once. No one question me leaving him then, it would be justified. But my husband isn't that kind of abuser. His abuse is much more subtle, the self-esteem and self-confidence eating kind. He doesn't tell me I'm worthless, he just treats me like I am. He tells me my job is stupid and meaningless and a waste of time. He tells me I'm too sensitive or a weakling or a wimp or weak in character. The list goes on. It is interesting that I now see this as mostly him putting his own self-loathing onto me, but logic does nothing for emotion. I wish I could keep all of his cruel remarks away from me, but that is easier said than done.

Gosh I want out. I want to do what is best for my children and sometimes I seriously wonder if I am doing the right thing or not.

I told my father that I was thinking about divorce, though it would likely be 3 years from now before I would get the chance. He said that he would support me, but that I should think twice about it since no one would ever love me since I have a disabled child who may be with me for life. Well, that is no reason to stay with an abusive man, but aside from that, how sad and awful a statement is that? I won't say that that thought hasn't crossed my mind before, it has. But I did a lot of soul searching and I talked to a lot of people, men and women, and they all said "If I loved the woman, I would love her son too." I know this is true and I feel this.

How good a mother can I be when I am this unhappy? Surely my older child senses this. Sometimes I'm crabby at him when it has nothing to do with him.

I can only wonder what the hell I am doing half the time.

I wanted to go to bed early tonight since I have to be up and on the road very early tomorrow morning. But my husband wouldn't help me with the kids, and I felt obligated to make my house as safe as possible for my kids in my absence since I know there won't be anyone watching them. It is pretty pathetic when I have to tell my 4 year old to feed his brother when he can barely feed himself, lest they both go hungry.

What the hell am I doing?